Q: Two of my best friends since high school have been seriously dating for years. I live with her in an apartment, and her boyfriend comes over all the time. It’s always been a great arrangement, until last month. I walked in on my roommate with another guy. Now I feel like I’m torn between them. On one hand I don’t want to reveal her secret, but I know that her boyfriend, my other best friend, would be furious if he found out I knew. Is there any way to get out of this without losing one or both of my friends?
A: Let’s look at the bright side of things. There’s always a silver lining. But, it looks like finding the good in this situation is going to be tricky.
Before you start spiraling south towards a mental breakdown, let’s confirm the situation you’re dealing with. Be sure that you saw what you think you saw. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend thought this through too well. She could have at least picked a time when you wouldn’t be around. She also should’ve locked the door. Then there’s the widely recognized courtesy notice. Surely you and your roommate have discussed leaving a bra or boxers or something hanging on the door when there’s a “special visitor”? Roommates really should establish this code early in the school year to prevent awkward situations such as yours. I guess this can be a lesson learned. Oh, there’s that silver lining I was looking for.
Also, in retrospect, why didn’t you knock on the door? While that wouldn’t have changed the imminent confrontation your friends are about to have, at least you wouldn’t be left desperately pondering what to do as you are now. So now that you are aware of what your roommate likes to do, before entering her room, provide a little precautionary knock as well as a few seconds for any exposed bodies to be hastily covered. It will pay off in the long run.
Now, assuming that you really did see what many of us have to pay to see, a breakup seems unavoidable here. Unless your two friends have a very open relationship, or are very experienced at reconciling problems, considering the length of their relationship, this is a very serious offense and will likely end with them splitting up.
You don’t necessarily have to lose a friend here. This is their problem, not yours. As a matter of fact, your best bet to keep both of your friends is to stay out of this as much as possible. If you get involved at all, it will be expected that you pick sides, which will severely hinder you from continuing a friendship with both of them.
That still leaves you with possession of an awful secret. I think you should confront your roommate first. Let her know that both her and her boyfriend’s friendship mean a lot to you, and that you want her to be the one to break the news to her boyfriend. But if she’s willing to live a lie and keep her boy in the dark, I still don’t think you should squeal. Just keep the heat on her to confess, and minimize your own personal involvement once the news gets out. Stay free and clear of the conflict, and while your friends’ relationship status may change, your own friendship with them can continue.