Today, sometime between 8 a.m. and noon, a piece of my heart will return. After countless, lonely nights without ESPN, my satellite is going to be fixed.
If something appears too good to be true, it probably is.
This clich became reality about six weeks ago. I had been smitten with Dish Network since switching from cable last September. Dish’s offer lured me. It was cheaper than cable and included WGN. How could I resist saving some money and enabling myself to see my beloved Cubs win the National League Central?
However, the honeymoon began to end on Valentine’s Night as friends gathered at my place to watch Mississippi State’s triumph at Arkansas. In the first trial of my affection for the Dish, the satellite lost its signal midway through the second half and sent us back to the ’40s with Jack and Jim. Both broadcasters did a great job, but television had spoiled me.
Soon thereafter, the Dish Network execs raised the rates and had a spat with Viacom, which caused me to miss “Chappelle’s Show” and “South Park.”
When I returned from the SEC tourney, my Dish left me a Dear John letter on the screen, saying, “The satellite has lost its signal.”
After a day or so of unplugging and replugging in the denial stage and begging ‘Siggy’ to come back, I was off to Orlando for the NCAA tourney. As I headed southbound, the excitement and anticipation of covering the best event in sports made me forget about her. When I returned from Orlando, I was too distraught and too busy to check if she came back to me, but the next morning, she was still gone.
I drowned myself with work to keep my mind off her, but three days later I gave up on pride and called to get ‘Siggy’ back in my life. I didn’t like what I found out.
Dish Network had me in a one-year pre-nup whether ‘Siggy’ came back or not, because buried in the fine print of the plan that I chose, it said I was responsible for the maintenance of the dish.
I had taken care of both receivers, and it did not appear that the dish could have a problem-it wasn’t like I had taken it down to panfry catfish.
But the Dish Network considers equipment problems my fault. I had costly options: pay $99 to have Dish Network send out a private repairman or call the company that installed the dish. They wanted $59. Both of these options came with no guarantee that ‘Siggy’ wouldn’t leave me again.
The other choice I had was paying her to stay by signing up for Dish Network’s service agreement. Apparently after a few months, ‘Siggy’ becomes so unfaithful that you can pay the Dish Network an extra $5.99, in addition to the $60.98 for a two-room system with the HBO package, to keep her in the house. Then it is only $29 more to have the Dish Network send someone to bring her back.
And she was the unfaithful one.
If you tell the network that you feel violated and want to cancel, they have no problem with that as long as you pay a $240 cancellation fee. This was even deeper in that pre-nup, and somehow, Dish Network’s unwillingness to keep ‘Siggy’ from stepping out on me, does not violate that pre-nup.
Disgruntled and hurt, I told them I needed more time to think things over. Thankfully, they couldn’t keep me away from my spring fling with the remainder of the NCAA tournament. My rabbit ear antenna ain’t much to look at, but at least it is not a prostitute.
Since the tournament ended, I’ve missed Major League Baseball’s opening day and subsequent games and the first playoff trips in franchise history for the Nashville Predators and Memphis Grizzlies.
It’s been rough on my job, too. What sports editor can live without “Sportscenter,” “Pardon the Interruption” and “Around the Horn,” and still consider himself knowledgeable in the sports world.
In addition, I could no longer take holding my head in shame and saying, “No,” whenever someone asked me, “Did you see (fill in many blanks)?”
So I went for the service agreement.
There is only so much a person can take of hearing how funny “Chappelle’s Show” was last night. Plus, the Cubs visit the Cardinals this weekend. I had no choice.
‘Siggy,’ you’re an expensive strumpet, but I love you anyway.
Craig Peters can be reached at [email protected].