Opinion writer: Earlier this week, President George W. Bush spoke to the United Nations. His speech focused on Iraq’s weapons programs and the dangers they posed to the rest of the world. He suggested that the United States might take it upon ourselves to invade Iraq if weapons inspectors were not allowed in the country immediately and granted complete access to any facilities the inspectors thought necessary to complete their job. Opinion editor of a major newspaper: BORING! Where’s the punch? Where’s the personal attack? For crying out loud, I can’t even tell if you’re conservative or liberal! If you’re going to write a column that’s going to appear on my page, I want something that inspires rioting! I want a hundred letters demanding a monument in your honor and another hundred demanding your head! How else do you think you’re going to get syndicated and get to appear on talk shows?
Opinion writer: OK, let me try again. First, which ideology do you want me to have?
Opinion editor: A bajillion people listen to Rush Limbaugh. He must be doing something right. Try a conservative viewpoint.
Opinion writer: Earlier this week, President-with-a-70-percent-approval-rating Bush laid down the law at that infamous home of muddleheaded multilateralists, the United Nations. He made a compelling case for the ouster of chief evildoer Saddam Hussein. The United Nations weakly asked Bush to abide by so-called “international law” and let weapons inspectors try to do their job first. Don’t worry, though. We’re going to bomb Iraq until Baghdad can only be reached by bulldozer and drill!
And there is no need to worry about Osama bin Laden. He has been making up his bed in hell for a long time. Don’t believe those pinko liberals who tell you differently. They only want to undermine the foundations this nation was built on, take God out of every single institution including your church, and discriminate against white males at every possible turn.
Opinion editor: It’s good, but a thought just hit me: maybe there are too many conservative commentators. We don’t want to flood the market. Try a liberal take on the topic.
Opinion writer: Earlier this week, President-by-order-of-the-Supreme-Court Dubya took off his cowboy boots and walked, ten-gallon hat in hand, to that Nobel Peace Prize-winning institution, the United Nations. Apparently, he has gotten the message through his thick head that the laws that govern every other country in this world apply to the United States as well. Dubya decided to hold off attacking Iraq for no purpose. Or, he’s going to take his finger off the trigger until he can find a way to subvert international law.
Either way, this is all a cynical attempt by the Commander-without-the-popular-vote to take attention away from the corporate scandals that have enveloped his administration right up to the level of Dick “Satan with a bad ticker” Cheney. Clearly, Bush wants to manipulate public opinion so the GOP can regain control of the Senate. Nixon was less didactic than this bum.
Opinion editor: I can’t choose. Got a coin we can flip?
Opinion writer: Don’t you think all of this does the public, not to mention myself, a disservice? Writing like this takes public dialogue to the level of a bunch of first-graders. Also, whichever way I write this, the reader can immediately pigeonhole me into an ideology. Then, if that person wants to know what I think about an issue, all they have to do is look at the Web site for the Democratic or Republican party.
Opinion editor: This is what the public wants! Reasoned and factual debate doesn’t expand circulation or ratings. People like a good fight where they already know the outcome. Why do you think so many people watch professional wrestling?
Opinion writer: But aren’t major issues like whether to invade Iraq more important than what happens on “Smackdown”?
Opinion editor: Look, surveys show that nearly half of the country can’t name their congressman and both of their state’s senators. Show me two people who don’t know who The Rock is.
Opinion writer: I found a quarter. Call it in the air?
Wilson Boyd is a senior economics major.