My quest for empowerment is far from successful. I struggle with the things that I think, with my actions, with the way that I treat others and myself. I’m busy right now and don’t have time to go to the gym as often as I would like. Therefore, when I do go, I feel sluggish and nasty, and think, “Man, it’d be cool to be a lot skinnier and not have to work out at all.” All of my talk about health and strength gets lost under a tide of stress and bad food.
And in other sectors, I complain about people being consumerists and users. Then I go out and buy new stuff that makes me feel better, more attractive and more confident.
So, the point is, why have an opinion if it doesn’t produce action? We spout out facts and ideas all of the time, yet we live in a world in which we are unhappy, unfriendly and un-everything else.
Sure, there are things that matter much more than how one “feels” or “acts” from day to day. It may not matter more, but the race for money and stability preoccupies and keeps us busy. It allows us to numb our brains. We are able to ignore feelings of loneliness, depression, inadequacy and incompetence.
However, I don’t like to think that the rest of my life will be spent doing something that’s OK, but not exactly what I want to do. I don’t want to take jobs that help me get by, but that’s what I may be forced to do. I’ve got to eat. I’ve got to be warm. I’ve got to find life liveable.
So what happens to all of those opinions and feelings? These are such mushy words anyway. They build soapboxes and occupy newspaper space. They fail, essentially, to do anything unless they are acted upon.
What would happen if we all suddenly began acting upon the things that we’ve been saying for years? If we try to achieve this end, it seems that everything should measure up and turn our idealisms and opinions into policy.
However, many of us will inevitably arrive at a point in which we trudge through life without any of this former enthusiasm, bereft of a desire to do anything other than what we’ve always done, which is, to accept the status quo.
I knew how to make things work out differently. There should be more to life than empty opinions and feelings that describe an era in our lives that we’ll one day refer to as the best days of our lives.
I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want to always be looking back on a time when I was alive and when I felt something. I want that to continue with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to marry someone out of convenience or a desire to do what my parents want me to do. I don’t want to take the easy jobs.
I hope that I don’t do any of these things, but I may. That is a frightening thought.
I hate being so ambiguous about something as huge as the future, but if I wasn’t willing to put myself out on a limb, I would’ve given up English years ago and started studying fortunetelling. That would probably make things a lot easier. Go figure.
Joy Murphy is a senior English major.