Since the first of January, we have been without a permanent president here at Mississippi State. Former President Malcolm Portera decided to pull up stakes and take the helm of the University of Alabama System, and I can’t say that I blame him. A lot of good things come out of Alabama–Interstate 20, for instance. Anyway, here we are in Starkville without a head honcho of our own, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who we could get. I figure we need a big name with lots of important contacts–someone who could schmooze with the best of them to get us some badly-needed funds. Face it, we need the money.
First, I thought about Bill Clinton. He ran the entire country for eight years, so how hard could running this school be after a job that big? Not to mention that Gooch’s would start selling cigars, and there would be a McDonald’s in every dorm. Stuff like that has to be great for the economy. The down side is, it’s Bill Clinton. The women of this campus hear enough cheap and sleazy pick-up lines on weekends without adding the “King” to the mix. Then there’s the realization that Hillary Clinton would be the first lady of MSU. The day that happens is the day I transfer to Ole Miss.
I also thought that Satan might be a good president, but I don’t think that he would be interested. After coaching the Florida Gators for 10 years, he’s already signed to coach the Washington Redskins. Besides, trading collegiate glory for your immortal soul isn’t really worth the price. Just ask Gino Toretta, the guy who beat out Garrison Hearst and Marshall Faulk for the Heisman Trophy in 1992.
Next, I thought about Ted Turner. Heck, I’ve already mentioned Satan, I may as well mention a guy who thinks he’s God. Plus, Ted’s got the money. We’d never have to worry about inadequate funds again. The problem with that is he would want to rename the school Turner State University and change our mascot from the Bulldogs to something like the Ted-dogs or the Turner-n-Hooches.
Somebody even mentioned Al Gore to me the other day. Not a bad idea in theory, but with the new beard, he just looks too much like Commander Riker from “Star Trek.” I don’t think it would do to have a president who looks like a guy who could get beamed up at any minute. Not to mention that he would probably spend all of his time ordering the guys over at landscaping to get rid of all the bushes on campus.
We could also get World Wrestling Federation chairman Vince McMahon. I mean, this guy took a regional sideshow like pro wrestling and turned it into a multimillion dollar a year business. The only problem with that is having the president of our college be the guy who once ordered another man to kiss his rear end on national television. Maybe we should get someone closer to home, like a former governor or judge. I don’t think anybody from the Legislature should be appointed, at least not the current one. I have a very low opinion of the Mississippi state legislature. This is the group who cut the funding of every state agency except their own. Somebody should pass a law or executive order requiring all legislators to wear clown suits throughout their tenure in office. If they act the part, they ought to dress it as well.
So I haven’t exactly nailed down who I’d like to see as our new president, but I might offer some suggestions on what the Institutions of Higher Learning Board should look for. We need a progressive thinker, not a reactionary one. Someone who sees a problem developing and doesn’t wait until something bad happens to try and remedy it; someone who looks at malfunction junction, or the drainage problem on this campus, and says, “We could get the civil engineering department to work on this one. Students could get real world experience, the professors could have input and we’d save having to go out and find an independent firm.” We need someone who is in touch with the rank-and-file people who keep this campus going from day to day. Someone who knows that he works for us, not the other way around. Where’s John McCain when you need him?