Constantine
Warner Brothers
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz and Tilda Swinton
The Verdict: “Constantine” is as close to eternal torment as a film can come.
1 star out of 4 stars
Did you know that hell has its own bible, and this hell bible’s version of Corinthians has 21 chapters instead of the usual 16? Well, John Constantine knows.
A man constantly teetering between life and death, heaven and hell, cigarettes and … more cigarettes, Constantine (Keanu Reeves) knows more than the average Joe or Jane about what waits for us all after the big R.I.P. John was born with a psychic gift that allows him to see demons walking on earth, which, by the way, are, like, everywhere 24/7. Angels, too. In fact, there’s this whole balance of power between light and darkness that keeps either side from taking over.
John once attempted suicide and went straight to hell, but somehow he got spit back out alive with even more powers. As he grew older, he decided to use those powers to “deport” naughty rule-breaking demons back to Hades where they belong. Or something like that.
Constantine’s story was first popularized in the comic book “Hellblazer,” and now the brooding antihero’s got his own big screen star vehicle. It lets you deep inside John’s loopy nightmare world and, in the process, teaches lots of valuable life lessons. I know I learned a lot from this film, and I think you will, too.
So, in honor of hell’s 21 chapters of Corinthians, here are 21 things this lowly mortal learned from “Constantine.”
Lesson 1: Staring a cat in the eyes can send you to hell. But maybe only if water is involved.
Lesson 2: Water is the universal conduit. If you’re trying to bridge that gap to the netherworld you gotta have water. By the bucket, by the tub, whatever. Just remember water is essential to “lubricate transitions” between this world and the next. Just don’t ask how.
Lesson 3: Every hero needs a gadget guy. Bond had Q. Last summer’s Van Helsing had that nerdy priest guy. Now Constantine has Beeman, a twitchy occult geek who supplies John with weapons as useful (and ludicrous) as bullet shavings from attempted papal assassinations.
Lesson 4: Some heroes need a second sidekick. That’s where Shia LeBeouf (“Holes”) comes in, a good young actor who deserves better parts than second banana to Keanu Reeves.
Lesson 5: OK, so God and the Devil once made a standing bet for the souls of all mankind. Angels and demons can’t physically materialize on earth and alter the outcome (that’s against the rules), but they can whisper in the ears of humans and potentially turn them to good or evil works. That’s where Constantine comes in. He monitors these “influence peddlers” and “deports” them if they step out of line.
Lesson 6: Villains from hell are every bit as stupid as villains from earth. Take Balthazar (Bush frontman and Mr. Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale). He’s got John pinned to a wall with nowhere to run. Does he go for the quick deathblow? Nah, he just makes evil remarks then waits, saying and doing nothing, to get KO’d by something up Constantine’s sleeve. But hey, Balthazar looks great in a suit. In fact, so does the big man himself-Lucifer (call him “Lu”), a preening, snorting putz who comes off far more needy than evil.
Lesson 7: Seems like hell only has one tailor. The same clothier seems to have outfitted Lucifer, Balthazar and even the similarly styled Azrael from Kevin Smith’s 1999 “Dogma.” That brings us up to…
Lesson 8: Sacrilege is, like, so five years ago. I thought the whole religious apocalypse movie trend wrapped up shortly after the year 2000, when holy-rolling doomsday pics (oh, “Stigmata,” “Bless the Child,” “End of Days”) became pass. But now it’s 2005, and “Constantine” is here to send the Scriptures for another whirl down the drain. The film invents theology left and right, cynically asserts that the world is morally ambivalent at best, that people are damned from birth, that earth is just God’s overgrown experimental “ant farm,” and so on.
Lesson 9: There’s humor in the macabre. Just because a movie’s got dour subject matter doesn’t mean it can’t be funny. Screenwriters Kevin Brodbin and Frank Cappello lighten the mood with dialogue exchanges like this one: when Constantine and a troubled cop (Rachel Weisz) arrive at a church simultaneously to seek audience with a man of the cloth, John asserts that, even in matters of religious crisis, “first come, first served.” When the two reunite as the cop probes the mysterious death of her twin sister, Constantine coolly dismisses their meetings as “regular kismet.”
Lesson 10: Reeves is funny even when he doesn’t mean to be. To me, he’s funniest when he’s at his most intensely serious. Try not to grimace when he detachedly spouts out, “I need a mirror. Now. At least three feet tall,” or when he over-emotes an inherently silly line like “I need to use The Chair.” I laughed at him, not with him, but I did it privately, to myself. Unlike some other people.
Lesson 11: Some people are too rude to ever attend a movie in public. I had the misfortune of sitting in front of three aspiring critics who loudly vocalized their opinions from scene to scene. At one aforementioned point, Reeves asks Weisz to leave her apartment so he can cross over to hell by staring at her pet cat. One of the geniuses behind me bellowed out, “He wants to be alone with the cat.” He and his friends guffawed, yet the rest of the silent auditorium was unmoved, dare I say annoyed.
Lesson 12: Tilda Swinton is a wonderful actress who should be cast in more films. Here she’s marvelously mad-eyed and seductive as, of all things, the angel Gabriel. The cross-gender casting is never fully explained, but it doesn’t matter; Swinton makes any role indelible.
Lesson 13: “Whoa.” Reeves needs a career overhaul. Now that the “Matrix” trilogy is six feet under, Reeves would do well to lighten up for awhile and stop taking himself so seriously (because, let’s face it, nobody else really does).
Lesson 14: Rachel Weisz and Djimon Honsou need to pick their parts more carefully. They’re better than this. Weisz makes the most of a bad role, but that isn’t saying a lot. And Honsou, an Oscar nominee for “In America,” needs to stretch his talents from playing something other than his usual mystical African. Here he’s out of place and underused as Papa Midnite, mysterious owner of an occult dance club where it’s finally proven beyond doubt that…
Lesson 15: Even demons love techno. Think that’s goofy? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
Lesson 16: This is goofy, goofy material. Shock value’s great in the first chapter of a would-be franchise (“Star Wars” broke the mold on immersing willing audiences in strange new worlds), but the alternate universe of “Constantine” is just too ridiculous to swallow. A boozing clergyman, a sexually confused archangel (actress Tilda Swinton as Gabriel?), a supernatural bug creature, psychic twins-it’s all here and none of it makes much sense.
Lesson 17: Directors can’t always trust the material to sell itself. First-time director Francis Lawrence believes in this material to a fault, and the result is a very somber self-satisfied film. In Lawrence’s defense…
Lesson 18: “Constantine” looks great, with style to spare. Employing tricks like color saturation and high angle shots, Lawrence gets much of the tone and visual style of comics right. The palette is grim but apt, all blacks, whites, grays and fiery oranges, and, think what you will, nothing says pulp cool like billowing cigarette smoke. However…
Lesson 19: Maybe the broad premises, striking visuals, and outlandish story arcs of graphic novels and comic books just play better on paper.
Lesson 20: Franchises don’t just spring up overnight. Reeves would undoubtedly like this role to be his next Neo, but the future looks bleak for the intrepid Hellblazer. Viewers may feel like they’re the ones trapped in limbo of a cinematic type, hoping always for a glimpse of heaven yet feeling increasingly consigned to the hopelessness of hell. So in that sense…
Lesson 21: Watching “Constantine” feels appropriately purgatorial.