Netflix is ruining my life. I remember when my family first signed up for Netflix, back in the day when all you could do was get DVDs in the mail. I can still recall the anticipation in waiting for the arrival of a new movie. Then, I left home and the comforts of my parents’ Netflix account.
No longer could I rely on a constant influx of new movies on my doorstep. Then, Netflix stepped up its game with two deadly words: Instant Queue. I will never get back the countless hours I have spent watching entire series in a matter of days. I once devoted an entire winter break to “Lost,” and I do not want to talk about the time I discovered “Weeds” during finals week. These days, I share an account with my roommate.
Sharing an account can be tricky. I’m constantly faced with questions I have never had to face before: “Do I really want my roommate to know I spent six hours watching ‘Law & Order: SVU’ yesterday?” “Whoa, she has been watching a lot of documentaries about gangs. Should I be scared?” A person’s Netflix account says a lot about him or her. Here is a broad, overarching and highly presumptuous breakdown of personality types according to your Netflix queue.
 
If your queue includes: “Anchorman,” any Dane Cook stand-up special, “Airplane,” “Dumb and Dumber.”
You like to party. And you’re the kind of guy who speaks in movie quotes at parties. Yeah man, it’s hilarious. I love a good “Anchorman” reference, too. (“I’m riding a furry tractor!”)But maybe it’s time to do some soul searching.
Who are you really? Do you even know? Okay, don’t freak out. Look, I believe in you. I know there’s more to you than movie quotes and mad beer pong skills. With your memorization skills acquired from years of movie quoting, you are sure to excel in a variety of academic fields. Be not afraid of the future that awaits you! Put your skills to the test, and I think you can do great things. Until then, you stay classy.
 
If your queue includes: “Bridget Jones’ Diary,” “Pride and Prejudice,” “Mamma Mia,” “Love Actually.”
Are you a bit lonely? Do you talk to your cat? Have you ever canceled plans with a friend to spend instead an evening with a tub of cookie dough and a Hugh Grant marathon on TBS?
Well, me too. I am not here to judge. Romance is hard to come by. Even once you meet someone, things are complicated. Are we “talking” or are we just “texting?” And once we are “dating,” when is it appropriate for us to become “Facebook official?”
Well, I am not here to offer dating advice. (The most significant relationship in my life right now is between my microwave and me.) However, I can say with some confidence watching a movie about love probably will not help you find it. Maybe you should go out to a bar or a bookstore and strike up a conversation with someone. I will warn you, it is going to be awkward. You are going to stumble over your words or feet, but you will recover. Give it a shot! From what I hear, dating is fun! And if it fails, you can always return to your sofa. Colin Firth will be waiting for you with your favorite cookie dough. (I’m assuming you have named your cat Colin Firth at this point.)
 
If your queue includes: Michael Moore documentaries, National Geographic specials, History Channel programming.
You have opinions. You spend a lot of time watching C-SPAN. If you have a car (though you probably only have a bike), it is covered in bumper stickers proclaiming “Save Our Earth!” or “Vote or Die!” Good for you! People with opinions are, after all, the only people who get things done in this world. You probably spent a lot of time as a child reading ZooBooks or listening to your grandfather rant about politics. Your brain is bustling with facts and figures about everything from the rainforest to the Dow Jones. You may have attempted some sort of Occupy Starkville movement in the past couple of weeks. I think you’re great! I really do! Maybe you really are the next Allen Greenspan or Barack Obama. Or maybe you’re the next Monica Lewinski. (Hey, she got her start in politics…) Whatever your intentions may be, your passion will take you far. Be respectful in sharing your opinions with others and try to avoid calling anyone a Nazi. (Unless they really are a Nazi, in which case, I guess you should call the police.)
 
If your queue includes: “Tangled,” “High School Musical,” “Wizards of Waverly Place.”
You might be a little kid. Look in the mirror. Are you a small child? If so, I must recommend that you stop reading this article and instead go play outside. Go! If in fact, you are a grown-up, then I am a little worried about you. Are you in some sort of denial about your age? Do you get sad when you realize you will never again lose a baby tooth? Are you getting sad about it right now? Do not be sad, little man-child. I know how scary the world can be. Real life is tough, and it is chock full of bills to pay and choices to make. Don’t let it get you down. Your life might not be as magical or musical as the characters of your favorite films, but it can still be great! I suggest you pack away those tiaras, buy a blazer and face reality. Those lessons you learned from your favorite Disney movies are going to come in handy, trust me.
 
If you do not fit into any of these aforementioned categories, congratulations! You are probably a well-balanced member of society! Or maybe, you just do not spend a lot of time watching movies and television, in which case, I probably cannot relate to you. However, different strokes for different folks. (Is “Diff’rent Strokes” on Netflix yet?) Netflix exists for all of us and it is a beautiful thing. There is a genre out there for all, and your favorite new movie or television series might be waiting for you and your slightly addictive personality. So go for it. Your sofa is waiting.