Charlie Sheen evidently has an issue with cocaine and hookers. However, consumption of each to the tune of half of a million dollars in about a month makes his approach more than amateur. Besides Charlie Sheen loving the smell of cocaine, there have been a few other things going on around the world. We have learned in the field of quelling urban protests, the camel reigns supreme.
What a subtle tactic to use, especially in Egypt, where camels are everywhere. The unsuspecting, rioting crowd sees just another bloke on a camel riding by, and suddenly galloping Arabian dragons sweep down terribly on the crowd. If I, all of sudden, see mounted patrols of camels on the streets of New Orleans during Mardi Gras, I will know I am secure for the police will have the upper hand. One straw can break a camel’s back, but it is invincible against pedestrian rioters. Tip: Egyptian rioters, take the high ground on the pyramids and read “Charge of the Light Brigade.”
One would think Egyptians would have sense enough to use some good imagery in their civil unrest. A bunch of dudes standing around in a square and screaming looks like all the other stock footage of the Middle East we see on the news, except this time they just aren’t burning an American flag. But, an epic battle between the forces of good and evil, a cagey, determined patriotic force securing the pyramids from the evil government, camel cavalry determined to enforce universal health care laws and take their guns would get Americans’ attention as they are flipping through television channels. If Egyptians want to see an outpouring of U.S. support for their revolution, they are just going to have to give us some good TV.
Secondly, George W. Bush was right. He said if we invade Iraq a wave of democracy would spread through the Middle East. Well, here you go, W. It’s just some people’s definition of democracy means pro-American democratic, we-might-of-had-the-CIA-help-out-just-a-little-bit governance. What’s funny is to watch all of this and all the D.C. politicos cannot intervene, even Republicans. Well, maybe not intervene, per se’, because all the riot gear Egyptian police are using is made in the good ol’ USA. At least we’re still the best at something. Asians can make some damn fine cars, but when it comes to rubber bullets and non-lethal weaponry, the red, white and blue is still king. Take that outsourcing!
Riot gear is an untapped market out there. As civil unrest spreads throughout countries that are finding out their governments are crap, the U.S. can boost its exports, because Americans need jobs and stuff. No wily Mexicans are gonna take those jobs either. The best part about diving into this market is we can make it a win-win situation for America and play both sides.
See, you can’t have riots without protestors, and there is nothing that will turn a person into a godless, mindless, communist, peace-loving hippie than marijuana. Guess which place is one of the largest growers of marijuana in the world (besides California and Mexico)? Afghanistan. So, we ramp up exporting marijuana for Afghanistan, because it’s already everywhere there and sell it to protest movements across the world. Better yet, we’ll let American tobacco companies handle the production and advertisement of proletariat grass and go ahead and bring that protest dollar on home. Afghanistan’s economy will boom, therefore Afghanis can buy satellite dishes and cell phones and all the other things a booming populous needs for placation, throw up a few Walmarts and call it day. Then, we can rub Russia’s nose in it FTW.
God bless America, and let’s all pray for Charlie Sheen. He needs to live long to cameo in a re-make of “Platoon.”
David Breland is the life editor for The Reflector. He can be contacted at [email protected].