I wouldn’t be the first to tell you there is an epidemic in our country, our state and in our own backyard.
It is known by many names and has dug itself so deeply into our soil; its proponents are attempting to label it a medical miracle just to be able to continue use, and some states are actually buying into it.
Though they may as well all be the same thing, I speak not of heroin, cocaine or PCP. The drug I speak of is, of course, marijuana. Or, as I believe the kids call it these days, “Horny Goat Weed.”
With the dreaded holiday of 4/20 right around the corner, I felt it my duty as a guardian of goodness to reach out to my fellow students and speak on this pressing matter.
As if science hasn’t done enough to ruin the world we live in (cough, cough evolution), we have these smartasses to thank again for the recent resurgence of the devil’s grass into our day to day lives.
It is a sad fact in reality. This “reefer” is everywhere, and these God-hating scientists are helping “prove” there are benefits to the drug.
For example, researchers at Harvard University claim the active ingredient in marijuana, THC, “inhibits EGF-induced growth and migration in epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR) expressing non-small cell lung cancer cell lines.” These are tumors usually found in the lungs and are the most resistant to chemotherapy.
In laymen’s terms, this means it is shown to significantly reduce cancerous tumor growth and also inhibit the tumor’s ability to spread.
So it seems it was not good enough for researchers to say the drug helps reduce pain (duh), relieve nausea (Duh) and induce appetite (DUH). It seems they are now trying to pawn this horrible plant off as a potential cure for cancer.
You have got to be kidding me.
You can’t expect the public to actually believe this, can you? I mean everybody knows the only way to get well if you are sick is to eat a bunch of unnatural, mass-produced pills.
Nothing that comes from the earth is good enough to make you better, in any instance. Walmart has taught me that.
In fact, though there is no research to prove this, I can almost assure you that while I typed this sentence, at least eight little girls were killed while riding their tricycles because some high college students hit them while coming out of the drive-thru at McDonalds, trying to satisfy their insatiable appetites.
There are now 15 medical marijuana states, and, if statistics show anything, that number will only continue to grow. The government seems to be doing nothing to halt this trend, either. So, to whom do we turn?
Luckily for us God-fearing people who only take antidepressants to make our lives a little better, there is presence that is fighting the legalization of marijuana on all fronts and obviously has humanity’s best interests in mind. Pharmaceutical companies are that trillion dollar-backed presence.
That is right, Big Pharma — though some compare its stranglehold on Washington to the Mafia and 1920s New York — is practically our last line of defense before this country is taken over by throat-cutting, eye-gouging, baby-stealing, mama-raping pot heads.
See, the thing is, to pharmaceutical companies, a patent on a drug is like gold. The companies are given exclusive rights to manufacture a given drug for a said amount of years before any other company can make a generic form. Those exclusive years are crucial to cash flow.
It is quite obvious a patent on a plant is ludicrous and the pharmaceutical companies know that. So what better way to ensure Americans stick to the drugs produced by their companies than to keep marijuana and other natural “remedies” illegal?
The last thing they want is an easy-to-grow, easy-to-ingest “wonder drug” with no known side effects that could help relieve countless conditions, when they have a pill for each one of those conditions, all with a page full of side effects.
Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Well to them it does, anyway, and I am behind them 100 percent. I don’t care if there are a few clinical tests that show weed can help cure a few things or help relieve a little pain.
It is still an illegal drug and according to all those public service announcements, could make you think you can fly, therefore forcing you to jump out of a building or make you forget to pick up your sister at that party causing her to get raped. Call me old-fashioned but I just refuse to back something that causes more harm than good, and this is obviously the case with the devil’s grass.
An article I read recently said New York City spends $75 million a year on mostly small-time pot busts. This was according to the Drug Policy Alliance, whose members probably all smoke weed, and the numbers were released to show too much money is being spent on a losing battle.
But I say, if $75 million isn’t cutting it let’s just give it $100 million and see what it can do with that, because obviously we still have an epidemic. If you can’t fix a problem, just throw more money at it. Being American taught me that.
I digress; my rant has come to an end. Now you will have to excuse me, I need to go take a few Xanax. It’s been a long day. Don’t worry. They are doctor recommended.
Micah Green is a junior majoring in communication. He can be contacted at [email protected].