If you’re like my regular readers, you’re here because you got lost on the way to the crossword puzzle. This is perfectly cool with me, because it means you have a pen or pencil handy. So I’d like you to take a second to draw a shapeless blob in the margin just to the left of this page. Now, take a look at your blob and think about what it looks like.
If you said “sea monster,” then congratulations, you could pass for a native Canadian. Yes, in addition to its maple leaves, hockey sticks and other one-sided stereotypes, Canada is known for its sightings of animals which are probably not real.
British Columbia is particularly renowned when it comes to such reports – it happens to be the number one region for lake monster sightings in the world, even beating out the famous sightings at Loch Ness. This is a fact that I feel like the British Columbia tourism industry is really underutilizing. (“Come and experience beautiful British Columbia. We have lake monsters.”)
The most recent newsworthy (and I’m using that word very loosely) story about a lake monster in British Columbia occurred last September, when a team of investigators searching Lake Cameron for possible sea monsters observed (using a fish finder) a large object about sixty feet below the surface of the water. This wasn’t a particularly detailed observation, though, so they planned to use an underwater camera to figure out exactly what kind of aquatic horror they were dealing with. But (go figure), the camera went missing before the investigators could get a picture, and the huge object remains unidentified to this day.
For those of you keeping score, that’s zero unidentified lake monsters to date that have been successfully un-unidentified. So I think it’s time for cryptozoologists to take a
long, hard look at their tactics. Based on the above story, I have taken the liberty of listing a couple of personal recommendations for anyone who plans to search for an unidentified lake monster:
1. Don’t search for an unidentified lake monster. It’s an exercise in futility. No one has ever taken a quality picture of an unsubstantiated monster. If you try to take a picture or video of a lake monster, your camera will either produce something too blurry to be useful, or it will break and fail to capture anything at all. It’s simply impossible; no matter how well you think you’ve prepared, some cosmic force will always stop you. Nature abhors proof of a speculated but unconfirmed monster. (I’m going to shamelessly call this “Williford’s Law,” because I’ve always wanted a law named after me.)
2. Don’t use a fish finder to find a lake monster. A fish finder is for finding fish. That’s clear from just the name. If you want real results, you need to invest in something with a more appropriate name, like a monster finder. I’ve never actually heard of such a thing as a monster finder, and it probably doesn’t really exist, but I think you’ll still be able to find one on Craigslist despite that.
3. Have several backup cameras available. Your camera will always get lost or break (see Williford’s Law). Having a few backups on hand will save you having to come back to lose another camera later. It’s a lot more efficient to lose all your cameras in one visit.
4. Search for unidentified lake monsters when they’re above the surface of the water. One thing which virtually all lake monster sightings have in common is they occur when the creature pokes its head (or whatever) out of the water. So, given enough time, it seems reasonable that whatever you’re searching for will surface. Admittedly, I have no experience searching for lake monsters, but I’m guessing being above water makes them easier to spot. (Not that that makes it possible; just slightly less impossible.)
5. Why are you still reading this? Did you not read point number one? You’re not going to find an unidentified lake monster. It can’t be done. Don’t bother trying. You may as well do something more productive with your time, like creating a Wikipedia article about Williford’s Law.
So there you have it: everything you wanted to know about searching for an unidentified monster, assuming you wanted to know the specific five things I listed above. (That’d be a weird coincidence, huh?) Now get back to the crossword. It’s on page 7.
McNeill Williford is a senior majoring in industrial engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].