As temperatures continue to drop, I have begun to sense a rise in the eternal fight to make men’s soccer an official sport at Mississippi State. I’m here to nip that in the bud.
What is soccer, really, when you look at it? It’s football played with your feet. In exactly the same way, kickball is just baseball played with your feet, and I haven’t noticed a clamor for kickball to take over as the national pastime. I’m pretty sure we got past kickball in about, oh, sixth grade. So, to you soccer hooligans – grow up.
Let’s introduce a sport which is fair to everyone, and is not copied anywhere – England’s true national pastime. I’m talking, of course, about Quidditch.
For those unfamiliar with the high-flying sport, allow me to briefly explain. Quidditch is played in the air on broomsticks – already more exciting than soccer – and has four balls in play at all times, not one like that other sport. Two balls called bludgers try as hard as they can to knock players off of their broomsticks, and one ball called the quaffle is passed between players and earns teams 10 points when it is shot through one of three hoops. The last ball is the Golden Snitch, a tiny golden ball with wings flying around the field. Whichever team catches it first. earns 150 points.
Each team consists of seven players: one goalie who guards his team’s three hoops, two beaters who protect their team from the bludgers, three chasers who score points with the quaffle and one seeker whose job it is to catch the snitch.
The single largest hindrance to the fight for soccer is Title IX, which states universities must have at least one more women’s than men’s sports. So don’t be fooled ladies, these futbol fans do not care if you lose one of your sports, as long they get to chase their precious ball around.
Quidditch is an equal opportunity sport, allowing both men and women to compete, which means there would be no Title IX violations. MSU could simply form a team and begin competing.
Soccer has tried time and time again to gain an American following, but the fact is, like kickball, people above the age of 13 just aren’t interested. Years ago, the Team USA women’s team won the World Cup. Mia Hamm appeared in Nike commercials. Later, David Beckham attempted to bend it in L.A., but it turns out no one cared. The U.S. men’s team recently qualified for the 2010 World Cup, but all I hear about is real football. It’s clear to me soccer is not going to find its niche in America, so who can blame MSU for not adding a sport which will just fizzle?
Quidditch, on the other hand, is here to stay. It’s actually been in existence for centuries longer than soccer, and, despite what locals may tell you, Quidditch is incredibly more popular overseas.
Quidditch is particularly appropriate on a college campus. You go to college to broaden your horizons, break down stereotypes and learn how to think outside the box. This is where we learn what freedom is.
Soccer, like many other sports, is played on a field with strict boundaries. The sports on campuses today are locked down by time restraints, quarters, innings and the like. Quidditch has no distinct sidelines and is not timed at all. A match could be over in five minutes or it could literally last an entire month. As for that infamous glass ceiling, Quidditch is a sport in which men and women can compete against each other both fairly and constructively. Title IX could learn a few things from this broomsticked sport.
In summation, I vote it is time we give up this foolish crusade for soccer and begin at once to petition for the next big thing in Bulldog sports – Quidditch. In the words of one Ronald Weasley, “What’s so great about a game with one ball where no one is allowed to fly?”
Bob Carskadon is a senior majoring in communication. He can be contacted at [email protected].