Robert Scribner is a senior majoring in business. He can be contacted at [email protected].Hello, readers. Before I get to my point, please allow me to discriminate a little, but in a fun way and not in the bad way.
This article isn’t for everyone, and I don’t recommend continuing if you’re not one of the selectively chosen few. This one is for the guys. That’s right – dudes only.
All right. For the 10 percent of my usual audience that remains, it’s time to get down to business. Guys, I’ve got a personal question for you. And don’t worry. You can trust me wholeheartedly here. This is just between you and me, no girls allowed.
Here it goes: how is it going with the ladies? Go ahead and answer out loud. I’ll wait.
Oh, really? That is an unfortunate and mildly disturbing response.
But don’t worry, because I can help you. More specifically, the lyrics of popular hip-hop and R&B can help you.
Don’t believe me? Just follow these simple guidelines and you will be absolutely swimming in ladies. Plus, you will date them.
First off, and easily most importantly, you’re going to want to buy them a drink. This is imperative. You will never secure a woman if you don’t buy her a drink. What type? It doesn’t matter.
My advice is to opt for the venerable Keystone Light. Go with the 30-pack, and give one to as many ladies as possible.
If you have more than 30 ladies who you would like to impress, then pour the ‘Stones into smaller glasses and then distribute them appropriately.
Just because you bought it in advance for $11 doesn’t mean you weren’t thinking of the collective “her.” Your courtesy will be duly noted. “A drink is a drink,” I always say.
Secondly, you’re going to want to have money inside your bank account. Say this out loud to her. Obviously, this point is strongly tied to the first. How else are you going to purchase her a drink?
She’ll be impressed to hear that you do have money in the bank, as most people do not. Purchasing power is very appealing to women, and luckily purchases like these are highly manageable with today’s low-interest student loans. Not to mention that killer Pell Grant.
Next, you’re going to want to describe your obtrusively shiny jewelry, or “ice,” to her using highly vivid and imaginative metaphors.
And of course, don’t be afraid to hint at your exceptional affluence.
For instance, you might say something like, “The ice on my wrist glows like a glow stick. And it is very expensive, shawty,” (That’s rap lingo for a short female person.)
Ice and the clever rhymes that describe it are like kryptonite to women: it physically weakens them to the point of not being able to resist you.
Now it is time to go and test out your skills. These time-tested methods have proven to be tremendously effective for the likes of T-Pain, Akon, Lil’ Scrappy and many more.
I mean, why else would they keep repeating the same tired lines over and over in their songs? There must be magic in those words, so heed them wisely.