Robert Scribner is a senior majoring in business. He can be contacted at [email protected].In last Tuesday’s Reflector, one particular opinion writer made a single, yet grievous error in his otherwise flawless article. Though I do not remember the writer, I will never forget his mistake.
The gist of it was that Thanksgiving is meaningless among its surrounding holidays. This is pure balderdash, I tell you.
Thanksgiving does mean something, it turns out. With Thanksgiving comes a separate occasion. And the gravitas of this separate occasion is so gravitational, people are drawn to it like objects drawn to a celestial body. It is that appealing to people.
What am I talking about? Let me give you two hints. The first is that it has happened annually since 1901. The second is that the name of the occasion reminds me of baking cakes. Still stumped? The occasion that I am referring to is, of course, the Egg Bowl.
The Egg Bowl is a big deal. It is an exciting and historic event. Not only does it legitimize Thanksgiving as a holiday, it also extends it. The game takes place on Friday this year, and that means another big day of giving thanks via consumption and not working. So I thought I would pay homage to this great convergence of holidays by providing a few predictions.
Though I do enjoy the actual football playing that takes place on the field, I sometimes get a little bored with the standard score-keeping measures.
To accurately summarize the entire scope of Friday’s festivities, I think we should be a little more creative. This way, we can portray what truly transpired for the sake of posterity.
Obviously, the new method will still pit Mississippi State against Ole Miss. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But with this format, we will be keeping track of the average amount of alcoholic beverages consumed by the supporters of each side. This should provide for a battle of Biblical proportions. Think about Jesus turning water into wine. Proportions like that.
Now, let’s do some game analysis. In keeping with the spirit of football, let’s assign beer as being worth three points and hard liquor drinks as being worth seven. I predict that Mississippi State will have a sizeable lead before the first quarter begins, thanks primarily to its execution of a strong tailgate.
By the finish of the first half, Ole Miss will have rallied to take the lead. Their secret weapon will be those fake binoculars that actually hold alcohol; they are pulling out all the stops, so to speak.
As Mississippi State’s buzz wears off from the tailgate, I predict a strong resurgence. Several points will be tallied over halftime for the Dawgs, with hopefully none of the actual football players contributing. Mississippi State will then come out strong in the second half, its fraternity contingent focusing on liquor at this point as it is easier to smuggle in.
As the on-field football game nears its conclusion, and the Bulldog football team scores its ninth consecutive touchdown, Ole Miss fans will begin to drown their sorrows and mount an incredible comeback.
I hate to say it, but this will be the downfall of Mississippi State. Final score, as an average per fan: Ole Miss 143, Mississippi State 135.
So there you have it, the way it’s going down in Starkville on Friday. And don’t worry. It’s just the way the pilgrims would have wanted it, had they been aware of college football.