As some of our older students near graduation, it is time for them to begin thinking about the future, or at least the part of it that will occur over the next several years. Don’t concern yourself with the trivial problems of the distant future (global warming, the depletion of natural resources, the explosion of the sun, etc.). Those things are inevitable. Your success in the workplace is not. And as an expert on the workplace I have not yet entered, I would like to present a few basic suggestions. Read carefully. I’m probably not wrong.
Now, let me ask you a rhetorical question: What do all businesspeople have in common? Go ahead and write down the answer in the margins of your paper. Circle it. Now erase it as quickly as you can because you’re wrong.
The correct answer is that all businesspeople carry a briefcase. It’s theoretical fact that exactly 67 percent of briefcase-owners earn at least a six-figure salary. So go out and buy yourself a briefcase, and make it nice (might I suggest leather?). Actually, buy several briefcases if you can afford it. Carry smaller briefcases within your larger ones. As we all know, success in the workplace is primarily based on the ownership of impressive material goods. In layman’s terms, that means that if you don’t carry a briefcase, you will probably never obtain a job, and you might also die alone.
For this suggestion, allow me to ask you a normal question, the type that you answer out loud: what is Robert Scribner’s second suggestion? Go ahead and say your answer out loud, but do not skip ahead. Exhibit a little bit of academic integrity, if you will. If you happened to say, “Carrying and flaunting various business documents and periodicals,” then you are correct.
Although not necessarily classified as a material good, being seen with publications such as The Wall Street Journal, Barron’s Magazine or this particular article can only augment your image. Don’t believe me? Then go into a job interview and conspicuously drop a cut-out version of this article on your potential employer’s desk. If you don’t get the job after that, then I give you permission to punch that man/woman directly in the face. Don’t worry, though. I don’t expect it to come to that. Not again, at least.
For my final tip, I would like for you to close your eyes. Are they closed? Good, now let’s continue. Last and also least, I must recommend that you tell awesome jokes when surrounded by colleagues. Be creative or even sophomoric if need be, anything to impress your peers. For example, here is a really good joke that I just made up: What do you call a businessperson who always clocks in before he’s supposed to? [Insert a person’s name here, preferably someone who always clocks in early]! You will have them rolling in no time with jokes like that.
Now that you’ve read all of that, please go back and read it again. It is that important and infallible. And once you’ve made it beyond the endless cycle of reading and re-reading this article, be sure to never forget it. You will thank me someday. I promise.