The last few weeks’ editions of The Reflector have opened my eyes. And what they were opened to was so amazingly beautiful that my retinas were permanently scorched in those moments of brilliant clarity. I am so enlightened that I am going to need immediate laser surgery, or I will probably never see again. I hope my insurance covers this sort of thing.
I now know how to reach my target audience. There’s been a lot of clamor recently over what is appropriate for opinion columns in this paper, and after a lot of research, soul-searching and fun, my ascertainment has finally reached completion. Luckily for me, two of the most appropriate templates have arisen out of the recent Reflector editions.
My favorite of these articles, and perhaps the most archetypical of them all, is “Do something about your weight” by Bailey Singletary. There is only one word that sufficiently epitomizes this article, and that word is fabulous. Singletary tackled one of the most mystifying and obscure topics of all: the freshman 15 (pounds of excessive weight).
Bailey revealed some of the most top-secret, innovative and awesome tricks of all in regard to this subject. Before this article, I was completely unaware of weight-control tactics such as exercising, eating healthy and not binge drinking (that often). Furthermore, I had no idea that there was a gym right here on campus! And even if I did know, I certainly would not have known what is on the inside of it!
I’m sure glad that there was such an informative, original and thought-provoking article to explain these things to me.
My second template for opinion writing is a little less specific. I’ve noticed a lot of articles recently that address the precise way that God would prefer us to act. Amazingly, they all contradict each other! And they’re referring to the same God every time! That’s weird! But perhaps this hypocrisy is what draws us to this issue. Because the Bible (all of the articles are Christian-based) is so ambiguous at times, everyone seems to enjoy claiming superiority in their line of thinking (which is also fabulous).
So really, despite the absurdity of some arguments, it’s difficult to prove that they are incorrect. Due to this equivocation, there are an infinite number of seemingly valid arguments, which leads to an infinite number of opinion articles. Thus, the subject of religion is a veritable goldmine.
Unfortunately, seemingly valid articles are only seemingly valid for a reason. I happen to disagree with the optimistic aura that seems to pervade the religious articles in this paper. Religious belief isn’t as peachy, cool and fun as we like to make it out to be.
So in answering the question of what God would want us to do, I think the most accurate response involves flooding the entire Earth and eradicating all of humanity (just like the pre-Biblical stories, the Epic of Gilgamesh, the Atrahasis Epic and other various cultural myths). Or maybe we could murder all of the first-born in Starkville (it being overridden with sin and immorality and all). That’s probably what a benevolent, all-forgiving God would want. Or at least that’s my guess.
Now, you’re probably wondering how I plan on taking advantage of these quintessential opinion articles. Basically, there are two options that I don’t think will ever fail. Option one: write about something so boring, simple and clich‹¨ that there is no possible way to screw it up. Option two: write about something so cryptic, inexplicable and open to debate that there is no possible way to screw it up.