“Jeopardy!” We all know it and love it. It’s the hit television show that inspired the Fifth Amendment’s constitutional doctrine of “double jeopardy.” That, in turn, inspired the Tommy Lee Jones’ 1999 film of the same name. That, in turn, inspired me to write this article. It is the second and final interview in a nearly-award-winning series I am calling “Interviews That Are Convenient To Do.”Luckily, my good friend Joey Beachum, a senior political science major, recently competed in “Jeopardy! College Championship.” Not only that, but he even competed for our fine university. And although he is legally not allowed to reveal how he did before the episodes air in early May, he did grant me this exclusive interview.
Robert: Welcome to my table at Starbucks. May I offer you a warm cup of Café Americano?
Joey: (long pause) No.
Robert: Okay, fine then. So you were on “Jeopardy! College Championship.” Do you mind phrasing your responses to this interview in the form of a question?
Joey: That’s really funny. I haven’t heard that before. Did you get that out of a book?
Robert: Yes. The Bible. All right, tell me about the “College Championship.” What does that entail?
Joey: Basically it’s a championship revolving around college students. We do “Jeopardy!”, but we’re all in college, hence the term “College Championship.” So basically the main difference between that and real “Jeopardy!” is that we’re in college. Is that helpful?
Robert: Yeah, I think that clears things up. So how did you do?
Joey: I’m legally required not to tell you how I did, and there’s a very, very tall 6-foot-8-inch, 350-pound man named Paco sitting next to me to make sure I don’t do that.
Robert: Come on.
Joey: Don’t look right at Paco’s eyes.
Robert: Come on.
Joey: He’s giving me a motion. I don’t know what it means, but it’s scary.
Robert: All right. Did you feel any pressure to perform well during the tournament in order to well represent your school, your family or your God?
Joey: Well, yeah, there’s actually something funny on one of the blogs … or, uh, weblogs … on the Internet, the Critical Badger, which is a student-run weblog for the University of Wisconsin. One of the people commented on the article and said, “I thought Mississippians can’t read.” So I had to go and prove to him that I could read. And I did.
Robert: Right, because you have to read the answers in order to question them.
Joey: No, Alex Trebek reads them, but just on principle I read them too.
Robert: So is Trebek as handsome in person as he is on the small screen?
Joey: Yes, and yes. He’s very articulate, and he’s very knowledgeable. He also does a very good impression of a hair stylist, believe it or not.
Robert: I do not believe it. Anyway, if you win the grand prize of $100,000, what would you do with all of that sweet cash?
Joey: I’ve had several thoughts. The first was giving it all to charity. And then I decided on some other options, maybe paying off debt and stuff. But then I decided giving it all to charity was the best bet. So the charity I’ve decided to give it to is … my charity.
Robert: All right, final question. Final Jeopardy, if you will. Say you do win, hypothetically, how much of the money aren’t you willing to give me?
Joey: I’m not aren’t willing to give you none of it, but I am also not willing not to give you any of it.
Robert: Thank you very much.
So tune in on May 7 and see how Joey fares in the first round. Will he move on? I can’t say. Either way, at least the world will finally see how literate Mississippians can be.