Monday, a press conference was held after a whistleblower leaked the real reason why Perry Cafeteria cookies are such an obsession for MSU students: they contain crack cocaine, which according to kidshealth.org, is also known as coke, rock, snow, blow, white, toot, nose candy, base, flake, powder, basa and smack.
A few years ago, Dining Services tried to take away the Perry cookies and replace them with crispy pieces of crap. The students rioted. Officials were caught off guard at the intensity of the students’ response.
“Now we understand why the students reacted the way they did,” University Father Mark Keenum said. “Students hijacked the jumbotron at a football game with a cartoon caricature of me dancing in a cookie costume and the words ‘Put back Perry cookies or perish.’ It really damaged some of our donor and advertiser relations.”
University dining director Natasha Willhelm said she had absolutely nothing to do with the illicit substances in the cookies but said she had suspected foul play for a while.
“Last week we saw a student stuff cookies not only into his mouth, but also in his pockets, backpack, hat, boots and a large gift bag. A chase ensued and unfortunately he did get away.”
Willhem continued to say that in recent years, a campus police officer had to be stationed in front of the cookie display during peak lunch hours to prevent animalistic and barbaric fighting over the cookies.
Campus police are aggressively investigating where and how the massive stream of drugs is entering the university dining system.
The whisteblower is currently being held in protective custody and awaiting a placement in the witness protection program.
Editor’s note: April fools! All details, facts and figures in this Ye Deflector article were fabricated. Check back on Wednesday for your regularly scheduled content.