As I was sitting on my couch flipping through the television channels and eating my crunchy Cheetos, I noticed something about myself. I didn’t like what I had become- a lazy American.
No, not the kind that doesn’t vote or serve on jury duty. Besides, that’s not lazy so much as preoccupied. I’m talking about the kind that are featured as the before pictures on Subway commercials. The ones that are labeled “obese” and “unhappy.” OK, true I’m not obese, but what else am I supposed to think with all the infomercials and magazines I see? In the past few years the word “obese” has become one of the most used words in the English language, right up there with “therapy” and “Valtrex.”
After realizing my hidden secret I knew I needed someone to confide in. My roommate was upstairs, so to make things easier on us both I called him on my cell phone. Those stairs can be tricky sometimes.
Within the context of a 35-second conversation my fears were alleviated and I calmed down. “I’m not lazy!” I told myself. “I’m active and happy.”
With a renewed sense of self-worth I got in my car and drove next door to inform my friends that I was not like 60 percent of my fellow countrymen. Of course, being the thoughtful person I am, I couldn’t very well tell the news with my bad breath. So I reached into my pocket and pulled out some of those breath strips that dissolve on the tongue. I am so glad they make those now, because peppermints and gum take too much effort.
After spreading my gospel to the masses next door, I decided to drop by campus and deliver my news there. What a mistake! I had to drive around for almost 30 minutes just to find a parking spot. There were some across campus, but obviously someone with as important a message as mine shouldn’t be forced to walk such a distance.
However, my hour or so of euphoria did not last. On my way through The Union I saw a new TrimSpa commercial with Anna Nicole, and all my insecurities came back. Maybe I still needed to lose more weight. If someone as highly active as myself still needed to lose more pounds, the solution was painfully obvious. Diet pills.
Back at home, on the couch once more, I snuggled up to the remote control and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. The more I thought about taking pills, the more I realized that it was the key to my inner thinness. And then Oprah came on.
Now I may have my issues, but she is the poster child for weight loss. Poor girl has been through all the phases, from fad diets to binge eating to exercise and finally to acceptance. Why should I have to take diet pills? And more importantly, why do I want to conform to society’s expectations of what I should look like?
I learned something that day sitting on my couch with Oprah. It doesn’t matter what we look like, so long as we like ourselves for who we are.
The next day I realized how absurd that revelation was, and so I decided to look for more answers. I called the Food and Drug Administration. When someone picked up on the other line I let her have it.
“Who do you think you are telling me that I need to be healthier?” I asked. “Do you realize how much time I’ve spent trying to make you happy?” She stuttered and I continued.
“And another thing, why do they make the last bite of an ice cream cone taste so good, but the only good bite of an apple the first one? Don’t you think they should be working on that instead of trying to whip me into shape?”
Two hours later I was spent. The friendly operator promised to relay my message to the FDA administrator’s secretary, Ms. Wait.
“Yeah if you have any other problems please feel free to go to Helen Wait,” said the surprisingly cheerful operator. What a nice person!
The truth is I know that a healthy lifestyle is important. There is nothing wrong with being in shape or making healthy choices, so long as people do it for the right reasons. And there’s also nothing wrong with people who don’t feel like practicing every new fad. I still stand by my choice to let the low-carb wagon pass me by.
Make the decisions that make you happy, whether that’s choosing healthy or if the only exercise you get is from lifting the spoon to your mouth. Just be sure to watch out for yourself and your body. And just to dispel the rumors, it is not true that I eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s. I’ve got a figure to watch out for.