Internet, cell phones and traffic jams, oh my! Life’s ever-changing pace and the introduction of new technology every hour, on the hour, have quickly become staples of our lives. We don’t even blink when a new hassle is introduced into our world-it’s just a way of life now. But while society is busy reinventing its norms, is it making sure to update certain rules? One huge question has been on my mind for a while now.
Manners… where have they gone?
Emily Post may know her stuff, but I’m doubting that her rules about washing fingers in the rose bowl at dinner are applicable to most people now. All this new stuff in life, and we have no idea what proper social etiquette calls for in these situations. Well I think it’s high time good ol’ Emily updated her list of social protocol. And who better to do that than me, Mr. Considerate, as I’m known in some circles.
Cell Phones
These are obviously more than a handy way to contact other people. Cell phones are now used as excuses to leave awkward conversations or to appear important while walking alone on the Drill Field. However, there are times when they are used impolitely.
Cells should never be answered while you’re carrying on a conversation with someone unless the other person is boring, unattractive or speaking a language you have never heard before.
Cells are acceptable to use when trying to look busy. You are allowed to call anyone at any time in order to fool onlookers into thinking you’re popular, since everyone else merely lives to serve your purpose.
Driving
With more people in the world today, and the inexpensive automobile brands out on the market driving has become a hassle. It stinks sometimes.
In traffic jams it’s perfectly normal to get upset. Most scholars of etiquette may say one must keep one’s head. I say there are conditions that allow other drivers to vent frustrations while maintaining a polite manner.
If someone in front of you stops to talk to another driver in the other lane, goes 20 miles below the limit or decides to stop in the middle of the road to smell the daisies, then the one-finger salute followed by a three-honk combo is absolutely within your rights. Riding the other car’s bumper and screaming “Your mother” out the window is another option.
If elbows on the table are now accepted, then the middle finger is not far behind. I’m also willing to bet that if Emily drove in rush-hour traffic she’d hang her hand out the window, alternating between obscene gestures and threatening shouts.
Internet
Manners are not needed online. If you can’t see the person, then they obviously don’t really exist. But for those who can’t walk outside without directions, the updated guide to politeness would have a section dealing with the WWW domains.
Grammar, capitalization and punctuation are not needed when sending messages via e-mail, messengers or Web sites. Whenever someone points out your lack of respect for the English language, they are clearly being rude and need a lesson in humility. In this case, there’s nothing wrong with organizing your keyboard’s characters into suggestive positions and telling the “English-lover” what they can do.
Lying is never polite, so if you’re a 43-year-old balding man with love handles, it’s not nice to describe yourself as a petite, barely 18-year-old girl with pigtails and love for cheering. Not even Emily would disagree with me on that one.
Singing in public
Of course there’s not enough time to talk about every faux-pas and new additions to proper social rules of conduct, but there are some issues that should be addressed.
Singing in public is slowly starting to be recognized as normal, but the more polite person knows there are limits to this. For instance, it’s OK to sing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” to yourself, but you cross the line when you belt out “All By Myself” a la Celine Dion in the middle of campus. That’s beyond rudeness-that’s some scary stuff. And poor taste has never been polite.
Pedestrians
Being a pedestrian doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to let others know what you think. The same rules apply as in driving, except instead of blowing the horn (making the noises with your mouth just doesn’t have the same effect) you can cough or sneeze in a sarcastic manner. I find that adding a “Move over, grandma” underneath the breath also yields fantastic results. And it’s not considered rude, since the sidewalk was made just for you. How dare those vehicles not stop when you walk out in front of them. I bet after you give them a thought or two, they’ll start showing you the respect you deserve.
Movies
The movies are a time to be entertained and relax with friends. While some maintain that absolute silence is essential, I choose to believe in another doctrine. Using the theory that if people want silence they can rent the stupid movie, I think talking in moderation is permissible. However, screaming during a comedy or talking about your boring day during the dramatic crescendo means you have officially waived your right to life, and therefore it’s legal for the other moviegoers to kill you.
For those people who refuse to take another life over a movie, they have popcorn now so you can toss it over your head at the offender. And guess what. It’s not rude.
This is a new age, and a new order of etiquette is required. For all those people who have found yourselves in any of these situations, now you know how to react without sacrificing your manners or dignity. I’m sure wherever Emily is right now, she’s holding a cup of tea (pinkie up, of course) and smiling at that idea.