If Bram Stoker were alive, he would be flabbergasted by director/writer Stephen Sommers’ laughable “Van Helsing.”
In case you haven’t read Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Van Helsing was an old, skilled vampire hunter who knew all of the vampire’s tricks and weaknesses. Hugh Jackman portrays a younger Helsing, complete with a trendy hat, razor-sharp boomerangs and an automatic crossbow. Apparently, Helsing works for a top-secret religious group called The Order. This faction gives crafty Helsing the job of killing despicable monsters in the name of God. His newest target? Count Dracula in Romania.
Oh, and there’s a subplot dealing with Dracula’s continued struggle with Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), the last member of a rival family. This part of the story achieves only banality, and Anna simply serves as a hostage for the vampire and sexual tension for Helsing.
For some inexplicable reason, Stephen Sommers has an unhealthy obsession with monsters. He plays around with Dracula, the Frankenstein monster, Mr. Hyde and werewolves in “Van Helsing.” Unfortunately, his interpretations of these creatures really suck. Mr. Hyde is completely CGI and becomes the most horrible attempt at bringing Robert Louis Stevenson’s villain to film. Werewolf transformations looked better in “An American Werewolf in London” over 20 years ago, and Frankenstein quotes Scripture-can things get much worse?
Yes. Richard Roxburgh plays a campy and excitable Dracula. No, we never get the composed, intelligent and creepy Count. Instead Roxburgh trades a lurid and fascinating personality for annoying outbursts and wimpy dialogue. Roxburgh actually recites this line: “You can’t kill me, Victor. I’m already dead.” The dialogue never recovers after this point.
Unfortunately, the mistakes keep coming. Even at two hours long, virtually no characterization takes place, for “Van Helsing” moves at a breakneck speed. Sommers skips around from scene to scene, sometimes never showing how the characters arrive at these points. The film’s inclusion of the Frankenstein myth is ridiculous enough, but Sommers leaves plenty of plot holes for the betrayed viewer.
Honestly, the special effects rank close to “Daredevil,” “Hulk” and “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”-overused, unrealistic and ultimately disappointing. A fantasy should take the viewer into another world. The poor effects of “Helsing” are a constant reminder that it’s just a movie.
After all its unforgivable corniness, “Helsing” has three things going for it. First, Hugh Jackman proves himself as a decent action hero-his character in this monster mash is essentially a restrained Wolverine, and it works. Next, Alan Silvestri’s wonderful soundtrack pushes this mess forward with a classical, medieval and folk blend. Finally, the sheer action will keep your eyes on the screen. The vampire death scenes and frantic carriage chase should at least slightly entertain.
Hopefully, the next Bram Stoker-influenced flick will respect the author’s subtlety, tasteful characterization and legendary vampiric myth. No one should sink their fangs, or drive their stake, into this amateurish nightmare.
The extras fare better than the movie. Even though the commentaries featuring Sommers and Roxburgh are the last things you want to hear, the bloopers will crack you up, courtesy of the witty Hugh Jackman.
“Bring the Monsters to Life” shows us how to make poor CGI, but “The Legend of Van Helsing” explains the origin of Stoker’s character and shares film clips of various portrayals of the vampire hunter. “You Are In The Movie!” allows you to watch the film from numerous hidden cameras on the set-a unique feature wasted on a lackluster picture.