Editor’s note: This is a humor column. All of the following questions are made up.
If you take any of the following advice seriously, it would be incredibly stupid on your part and The Reflector is not responsible for your significant other doing significant damage to you.
Dear Eros,
Hey man. First of all I want to ask, what’s it like to be the god of love? And secondly, I was hoping you’d help me with my problem. My girlfriend of three months is getting excited about Valentine’s Day, and I really like this girl. Any suggestions for a great V-Day gift?
-Stoner
Dear Stoner,
I’ve always believed the lesser-thought-of gifts tend to be the more romantic. Love is a powerful emotion, but too few people try to lighten up the mood on Feb. 14. I think the best gift you could give your sweetheart is the gift of laughter.
I suggest taking this girl out to a nice restaurant and proposing to her after the entre. When she grabs her chest and starts to get all “doe-eyed” then put the ring back in your pocket and yell, “Psych!”
She’s certain to find the humor in your little gag. After all, a good sport would realize that it was a prank and just shrug it off.
Perhaps you could plant tulips in her front yard that spell out the name of your ex-girlfriend. This is a prank that she’ll be able to look at and laugh for months on end. It just keeps on giving.
Then there’s the classic Exlax in the box of chocolates” routine that kills every time. Who could resist laughing at that ol’ bit?
Sure she’ll be more than unhappy with you for a few years, but it’s something you can look back on a laugh together at later. And isn’t that what love is about? Making memories and doing more stuff together?
As for the first question it’s wonderful to be the god of love. Especially when some dope fiend sends in a stupid question. I get to write ridiculous answers and still know that pathetic pot-head will probably try to follow my advice. That’s one of the perks.
-Eros
Dear Eros,
I wrote to you a few years ago asking for advice on how to get the attention of this guy I liked. You suggested that I “give into society’s demands and buy a top-of-the-line push-up bra or just accept the fact that I am going to die alone.”
I didn’t appreciate your advice at all and thought you were too cynical about relationships in general. Isn’t the god of love supposed to be compassionate and helpful in these situations?
Well, I ignored your advice, and now I’m going to marry that guy in two weeks. He is a wonderful man, and I didn’t have to resort to cheap lingerie to get his attention. We’re getting married in Spain and traveling across Europe for our honeymoon. I have never been happier. (No thanks to a certain love god.) I suggest you get another occupation, like divorce lawyer, because as the supreme adviser of love, you’re just plain bad.
-Happy
Dear Happy,
I hope you die.
-Eros
Dear Eros,
I noticed you’re pretty bitter. What’s up with that? And why are you being so mean to all your readers? It sounds like you are having relationship troubles. Maybe you’re being too aggressive with your readers because you are frustrated. If you were nicer to people, then maybe they would be nicer to you.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, you know. I mean I know that love can be painful, but you have to let things run their course. If it’s meant to happen, then it will. These sorts of things take time, Eros, but I know that you will survive. Remember that which does not kill us, make us stronger. Hang in there.
-Concerned
Dear “Captain Clich,”
I don’t know what compelled you to spout off all that same, old recycled relationship garbage, and I want you to know that I am fully aware of who you are.
The reason I’ve been short with my readers lately is because they are so caught up in Valentine’s Day and waste my time.
Also, yes I have been experiencing relationship troubles. But it wasn’t on my side. No frustrations here.
Of course my ex, who shall remain anonymous, turned into a block of ice whenever I touched her. The word frigid comes to mind.
And, furthermore I would like to set the record straight about the recent rumors of the god of love’s performance anxiety. All lies. He’s still got a lot of lovin’ to give.
Thanks for your “concern,” but I suggest instead of worrying about me that you start looking for another place to live, dear reader. Cause your stuff just got thrown out of my house.
-Eros
Dear Eros,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. In this time we have never “fooled” around,” although I am totally attracted to him. He works out all the time at the gym and is never seen without looking like he just stepped off the poster of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad.
I have tried to let him know that it’s OK to want a more physical relationship, but he has consistently said that he wants to wait. However he’s not really religious guy. We have kissed a few times but that’s it.
And sometimes when we’re watching our favorite TV shows, like “Will and Grace” or “Sex and the City,” I try to snuggle with him, but he would rather talk about Karen’s new outfit or Carrie’s relationship problems. I love that he is so attentive and thoughtful, but why doesn’t he act more interested in me?
I have tried other methods, but he reacted in a different way than I expected. He fled the room yelling.
I don’t want to end it with this guy. He’s great to go shopping with and always offers helpful advice on my wardrobe. But don’t I deserve more?
-Rejected
Dear Rejected,
I shudder to think about the vast number of letters I receive each year on this topic. You, like so many other women, have fell for the unattainable male… Well at least he’s unattainable to you.
The facts are devastating. Each year over 100,000 women suffer from LGD syndrome, more commonly known as “Loss of Gaydar.”
But let’s not dwell on the negative in this situation. Instead let’s look at all the positive aspects.
You haven’t lost a boyfriend, but rather gained a new best friend, complete with advice on men and fashion.
And you’ll always have him as a back-up date, so you’ll never have to go somewhere alone again.
That itself is a big possibilty, since it took you three years to notice there was a kink in your relationship.
I say hit the gym, go find a rebound guy and take your soon-to-be-ex shoe shopping.
-Eros