Around the end of last year, Mayor Carolyn Risher of Inglis, Fla., issued a proclamation banning Satan from her town. How exactly does one ban Satan? Apparently, inserting the proclamation into hollowed-out fence posts at the four entrances of town will do the trick. The mayor has had many requests for interviews since her defiant stance against the Prince of Darkness, but I was wondering what Satan’s thoughts might be. Every good journalist tries to seek the whole story. Certainly, Beelzebub has something to say, yet no one has heard from him. That is, no one except me. Being the dogged investigative journalist that I am, I caught up with Satan at his palatial 13-bedroom estate just outside Birmingham, Ala. What follows is the transcript of that converstaion.
Me: First of all, what do I call you? Satan? Prince of Darkness? I believe Mayor Risher called you “ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just.
The Devil: You can call me Rusty.
Me: Um, “Rusty?”
The Devil: If I go by prince of this or lord of that, people will be hip to my name. If I go by Rusty, I can sneak up on folks better. I mean, who’s gonna suspect good ole Rusty?
Me: Good point. Well, I guess the obvious question on everyone’s mind is what did you do to tick off the mayor of Inglis, Fla.?
The Devil: You know, I don’t really know. I’ve been real good to the state of Florida for a number of years now. I gave the Gators a national title, gave the Seminoles two and the Hurricanes five. Heck, even the Marlins won the World Series, thanks to me. And tell me the truth, how else do you think Jacksonville could have beat out Los Angeles, the No. 2 media market in the world, for a pro football team? I’ve been really good to those folks, and I just can’t imagine what I did to make them want to run me off like that.
Me: Well, you know, a lot of people are still sore at you for that whole election mess back in 2000.
The Devil: Now hold on a minute there, bubba. That was not my doing, although I wish it had been. That masterpiece came about as a result of a generation or two of voter apathy.
Me: Good point. Now back to business. The mayor has stripped you of your power to rule over and influence the citizens of her town. Any thoughts?
The Devil: She can pass all the proclamations she wants, give speeches, do interviews and bask in the glory of her newfound fame. That’s fine with me. You know why?
Me: Why?
The Devil: Because if people want to listen to me and do my bidding, that is a private matter, and she has no control over that. Ultimately, listening to me is a personal choice.
Me: Do you think that what she did violates the separation of church and state?
The Devil: You’re darn right I do! And I couldn’t be happier about it.
Me: Wait a minute … you’re AGAINST separation of church and state?
The Devil: I certainly am. When you eradicate that velvet rope separating the two, one will die to empower the other. Either the church will be the puppet of the state or vice versa. Take Iran for example. The government has no power except what the church gives it. Sounds pretty good as long as you are a member of that church. In China, the church has no power except what the state allows it to have. How’s that for freedom of conscience?
Me: I see your point. Well, Rusty, I believe I’ve kept you long enough. I do have one more question, though, if you don’t mind. What are your plans for Osama bin Laden?
The Devil: Well, I’ve got a little Taliban ideal society set up down here where he and all of his buddies can live once they all get here.
Me: What?! You’re basically letting them live in their idea of paradise?
The Devil: Not quite. They have to live there as women.