It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Yes, Christmas season has descended upon us again. Even at my most cynical, I can’t deny the holiday spirit. The wintry air rings with dulcet tones of silver bells and my television glows with the Claymation specials of Christmases past.

The only coal-colored smudge marring my merry heart is the pressure to be in a relationship for the holidays. I can’t even enjoy my favorite television program without some ostentatious jewelry ad reminding me I’m single with the type of holiday commercial that leaves me unwittingly digging my fingernails into my clenched fist. 

The scene begins from the outside of a frosted window, inside of which a forlorn and well-dressed woman is gazing out and clutching her pearls, only to be awoken from her solitude by the brawny touch of a man’s hand upon her shoulder. 

From the pocket of his khakis, he withdraws a box, opening it to reveal the ring/bracelet/watch/necklace of her most romantic and plutocratic dreams. The clip ends with a tawdry jingle reminding me that, “Holidays are for sharing with someone special,” or “This season, give a gift to the one you love,” or “It’s Christmas and you’re alone and you will be forever so go eat some more sugar cookies, you fat misanthrope.”

So why does America want to make me feel like a leper come Christmas time? The commercials aren’t the end of it. I grip my steak knife a bit tighter at the dinner table each time my grandmother asks if I have a boyfriend yet, and I reluctantly listen to my coupled-off friends’ exasperating worries of which gift to buy for their someone special. 

All this talk of relationships tends to get in the way of my favorite Christmas traditions, like ignoring the white guilt I’m faced to deal with during the year’s 11 other months.

So, I’m taking back the holidays. CHRISTMAS IS MINE. And yours. You don’t need a relationship to be happy or content or sexually satisfied this holiday season. Being single for the holidays is preferable, actually. Because I’m single, I don’t have to worry about buying a present for a significant other. I’m terrible at gift giving anyway. Instead, I get to buy myself something extra! I’m calling this my “single achievement holiday bonus,” and you should, too.

Being single for the holidays opens up all sorts of doors. By that, I mean the doors to other people’s bedrooms. (This is where I would tilt my head and wink.) Seriously though, something about the holidays really sets the mood right. Tis the season for hooking up! Hometowns across America, rejoice! 

We all need to stay warm this holiday season, and is there anything hotter than meeting up and getting down with some feisty festivities? Get creative with the mistletoe this year and give yourself an “Oh!” holy night. (Thank me later for that one.) And remember, the holidays are for giving AND receiving. Nobody likes a Scrooge in bed.

With all the pressure to buy gifts and ignore your grandparents, it’s easy to forget the reason for the season. Don’t forget Christmas is when we celebrate the day a baby was born with absolutely no sex involved. So let that be a reminder to you — always use protection.

So my advice for getting through the holidays as a single is this: spend some time with your family, but spend some time having fun, too. Your relationship status should have little to do with your self worth all year round, so don’t let the holidays get you down. 

If you get to feeling lonely, put on your favorite Christmas carols, pour a little more rum in the cider and invite someone over to put the XXX back in X-mas. Your real life might not be anything like the ads on television, but it could be like the ads on certain websites. It’s up to you.

Cheer up, and spread some cheer. Whether you spend your holidays giving back to those in need or if you spend them on your back getting what you need, I hope this Christmas is everything you hope it to be. Take a break from the pressures of school, take several naps per day and take in all Christmas has to offer because it only happens once a year. 

As for me, when I’m not throwing candy canes at television screens, I’ll be in bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, among other things. 

To all my single ladies and fellas, and to all of you lovey doveys out there too, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. (I would wink again there, too.)

Rachel Perkins is a senior majoring in English. She can be contacted at [email protected].