There’s something you should know about me: I’m a man. I like to eat meat, watch football and drink beer, and do all three at the same time when possible. As a man, I like to be comfortable. Ideally, when I’m getting my meating, footballing and drinking on, I’m reclined on the couch in my Santa Claus boxers scratching myself and burping.
That’s why I wholeheartedly support the fine ladies of Mississippi State University for flooding our classrooms with Nike shorts and oversized T-shirts. It’s comfortable. (I would imagine.)
For whatever reason, there are those who would look to judge the poor girls for wearing Nike shorts. And I can understand why.
“Where is your individuality?” they ask. “You all look the same!” they cry.
Nike shorts are rotting our brains, revealing the insecure, reveling in child labor, re-teaching conformity and regularly wreaking unrequiteable havoc on our revered institution.
Nike shorts are a sure sign the End Times are near.
In the words of Dwight K. Schrute: “False.”
Look, I’m no fashion expert. Hell, I still wear cargo shorts from time to time. They’re just so darn practical. But there is nothing wrong with comfort. If I could get away with wearing my dri-fit Under Armour shorts (and if they weren’t so form-fitting ’round the privates) and still look respectable, I’d do it every day.
Honestly, I applaud the Bulldog ladies for somehow finding a way to be “fashionable” yet retain a level of comfort typically reserved for Deputy Dog pajamas.
Let’s be real here, gentlewomen. When you get dressed for whatever occasion, be it class, church or the Jason Mraz concert, you hope your male counterparts find you attractive, but you’re worried most about something different: what the other girls are going to think, or even worse, say. You know you will receive the heaviest judgment from your own kind.
That’s why it is genius that during your time spent in packs in the powder room and when you’re up late talking about boys, you devised a way to earn the approval of your peers. The League of Extraordinary Women convened and decreed: Nike shorts and T-shirts three sizes too big for all!
I think some of the hate comes from the idea that Nike shorts are a sorority thing, and I get the impression they kind of are. Boys and girls who feel shunned or judged by Suzy Sorority, and often rightfully so, lash out by saying “they all look the same.”
But hey, I think the shorts look nice. It’s the male equivalent of golf shorts – fancy pants, as I like to call them – and a solid colored Polo tee with a matching-colored miniature horseman upon the left breast. It’s comfort combined with perceived style. It’s the proverbial two birds being killed with a single stone.
Look, I don’t fit the demographic of a Nike-short-wearer supporter. I’m not Greek (though I do like hummus), I only own one piece of clothing that says Ralph Lauren on the tag, most of my athletic shorts came from Walmart and none of them have the all too familiar swoosh on them. I’m not involved in any campus organization, save The Reflector, and I really don’t care to be.
To many of the Nike short faithful, you’re everything I’m not, and vice-versa. But we can still get along, and I won’t judge you for what you wear. Often the most judging are the ones who believe they are being judged themselves.
I’m a man. I like to be comfortable, and I’m glad you do, too.
However, if it’s to the point where I’m writing about it, Nike shorts are probably on the way out. Oh well.
Bob Carskadon is the sports editor of The Reflector. He can be contacted at [email protected].