As I sat at home alone wearing my sombrero, shaking maracas and drinking margaritas on Wednesday, something hit me. No one else celebrates Benito Juarez Day.I decided to drive around town and see if any of the local cantinas had any Juarez-themed specials, but I was unable to find any establishment in support of the holiday. After finally being kicked out of several places for loudly demanding free tequila, I decided the entire country needed to learn a little more about this great Mexican holiday, so I figured writing a column for The Reflector would accomplish this.
Benito Juarez held the presidency of Mexico for five terms from 1858-1872. He apparently did some really great things, but I’m not sure what they are. Mexican schools get an extra day off every third Monday in March because of him, though, and that seems both incredible and unfair. Why can’t we do the same? According to the United States Census Bureau’s 2000 census, Mexican people make up roughly 8.4 percent of the population, so why don’t we get 8.4 percent of the day off? This is America. It’s a melting pot, and it should act like one.
In the past 400 years, people from a multitude of nations have flocked to the New World, and some people lived here already. America has access to hundreds upon hundreds of cultures with a plethora of holidays and celebrations, but what do people do instead of observe these chances to relax? Work. I say it’s time to stop working and time to start having fun.
Right now, all we’ve really got is St. Patrick’s Day. This holiday celebrates the Irish and their lack of snakes. The titular saint is symbolically represented as Americans of many ethnic backgrounds drive the hydration (serpents) from their bodies (Ireland) with magical green beer (Patty’s shillelagh and screeching yelps). This is nice, but we don’t even get a day off for this.
To show our support and admiration of the cultures that exist in our nation, we should use the census to give us an idea of how long we should take off for every world holiday. Seeing as there are very few Druids in America, Samhain would be a holiday we only had to take part in for a few minutes. Since there are more Pakistani people in America, Pakistani Day, which just so happens to be today, should be observed for a longer period. For holidays that fall on the same day, the proportionate time for each holiday should be added up and distributed across the day for maximum time off. For multiple-day events, the stock market and all businesses should close, allowing everyone to go home.
There is one problem with this theory. Since people will most likely be able to take off every day of the year if this idea catches on, who will be at the liquor stores to sell the alcohol for celebration? Since the store owners will likely be at home drinking, none of the other celebrants will have the opportunity to imbibe until they forget which holiday it is they’re observing. Therefore, all alcohol should be free.
So now the question is, if everyone is always taking federally approved days off, how will we form an income? Well, the government will just have to do away with money and turn to the honor system, hoping that people will not take more than they need. We can use our nuclear might to threaten other nations into giving us free food while we observe their holidays in ways they only wish they could. Everybody wins.
It’s up to America to preserve the cultures of the globe, even if that means localizing them and destroying their origins. We might even get a utopian society out of it.
It’s just like Dan Akroyd, Harry Belafonte, Lindsey Buckingham, Kim Carnes, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, Sheila E., Bob Geldof, Hall, Oates, James Ingram, The Jackson Five, LaToya Jackson, Al Jarreau, Billy Joel, Cyndi Lauper, Huey Lewis, The News, Kenny Loggins, Bette Midler, Willie Nelson, Jeffrey Osborne, Steve Perry, The Pointer Sisters, Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson, Kenny Rogers, Diana Ross, Paul Simon, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Dionne Warwick and Stevie Wonder said: “We are the world.