Since I began writing this column, I have attempted, with the best of intentions and efforts, to write on the topics of sex and relationships in an honest, unfeigned and, hopefully, entertaining way.
Here in the conservative and deeply religious South, I knew I would meet some opposition for voicing my thoughts. While the goal of this addition to the school paper was to ignite discussion, I did not expect the feedback I have received. While mostly positive, the negative feedback this column has garnered has both surprised and disappointed me. The most upsetting response among the student body has been the strange assumption among readers that I hold the idea of sex in some sort of obscenely casual atmosphere and that I have completely disregarded all concepts of virginity and purity.
So, let’s talk about virginity. Why is it such a big deal? Is it a big deal? Who’s “saving it” and who isn’t? I really have no idea, but I’m going to write about it.
I grew up in a relatively confusing time for virginity. My earliest memories of sex came from television. At a young age, I put together the phrase “sleeping with someone” with “sex,” all thanks to a little show called “Friends.”
On this show, six beautiful New Yorkers all lived and played in some sort of grown-up world that simultaneously engrossed and confused me. From my days in Catholic school, I knew sex was something two married adults did to create a baby, but these adults sleeping together weren’t married or having babies all the time. I asked my mom about it and she told me adults were allowed to make their own decisions. All right. So now I know sex is something adults do, married or unmarried.
Then Britney Spears entered my life. When Britney Spears dropped the seminal classic “Baby One More Time” on the world in 1999, my life changed. While only nine years my senior, Britney represented all things for which I one day hoped. I spent my afternoons rolling up my skirt and practicing her lyrics and dance moves I had memorized. In reflection upon these days, I think Britney’s overtly sexual and highly sensationalized national presence was relatively harmless. There was nothing about listening to Britney croon, “Oh baby, baby,” that triggered any desire within me to become sexually active.
The worst thing Britney Spears ever did to me was discuss her own virginity. In the late ‘90s and early 2000s, Britney claimed to be a virgin and promised she would be until marriage. Sounds like a good thing, right? Here’s the thing: while avowing her own purity, Spears bore her cleavage and sexuality to a nation of young people, straddling her male backup dancers onstage and appearing half naked on the cover of Rolling Stone, holding a Teletubbie doll. Then she started dating Justin Timberlake, and even my tween brain knew better than to pretend they weren’t getting it on. So then I knew sex was something lots of people do, but maybe they are supposed to pretend they don’t.
So at this point, I started to figure out the concept of virginity in that it’s just that — a concept. Virginity means different things to different people. There’s no medical or scientific way to “tell” if someone’s a virgin or not. Sometimes people discuss women’s hymens, but those can break while riding a horse or a bicycle. Are we to pretend I lost my V-card to a pony? No. Unless someone is honest with you, there’s no way to know if he or she is a virgin or not.
Virginity is, mostly, a social construct. Society creates this big, huge, weird gap between the “have done its” and the “have nots.” I do think sex is a big deal. Sex can be, and unfortunately, often is, traumatizing. Many people have sex for the wrong reasons. However, lots of people have a lot of sex, and they are unmarried. There is nothing wrong with them.
The idea of “purity” puts unfair stressors on young people’s bodies. Purity directly correlates your idea of self worth with your physical, when we should be focusing on our minds at this point. I never viewed my virginity as a factor in my goodness or worthiness as a person. Rather, I’ve looked to the way I treat people as a gauge for how I’m doing as a human.
I don’t like the phrase “losing” your virginity because it implies a sense of loss. While having sex for the first time can be life-changing, it is rarely life-ruining. I don’t think anyone is ever really ready for sex because there’s no way to truly be aware of all the ways sex might change you until you’ve done it. For some people, sex doesn’t change them at all; that doesn’t mean they’re an immoral or shallow person.
First times are what you make of them. If you are a virgin, I’m happy for you. If you’re not a virgin, I’m happy for you. Virginity is whatever you want it to be, and it doesn’t even have to be anything.
I do think sex matters, that’s why I talk about it so much. Maybe I am making some mistakes, and maybe I can’t blame them on “Friends” or Britney Spears forever, but I really don’t think I am. It isn’t anyone’s place to say, though. I would never judge you for the choice you made for you and your body, and we all owe each other that respect. All we can do is be the the best people we can be and having sex won’t make anyone worse at that.
            So let’s stop shaming. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of people shaming those who do it just as much as shaming those who don’t. We’re all just tiny little people doing our best. Whether you save it for marriage or junior high, I hope you grow to love and appreciate sex. Until then, I’m just going to keep writing about it.