I turned 20 on Monday.
That is 7,305 days of being alive, and 175,000 hours of my body’s continual function. In my 7,305 days and 175,000 hours, I have learned to expect absolutely nothing.
Although it does sound bleak, it can be liberating if you allow it.
There are certain expectations society has in place, silently, regarding each stage of life. When you are a kid, you are just that: a kid. Everyone allows you to be as such and even encourages it. You are reminded to enjoy the present, a time now riddled by a question: What happens when you are no longer a kid?
Simply put, new expectations are in place.
Now you find yourself a teenager, a category I have spent the past 2,557 days under. Everything about the ages within this stage of life can be summed up in one word: change. That is what everyone tells you. As a teenager, there will be change, constant change. Your body, your voice, your thoughts and attitude on things will change. After that, they will change again. You are changing in a way that is temporary and prepares you for the infinite change up ahead.
As humans, we tend to see new things as an opportunity for change. When the new year rings in, people compile lists of resolutions and goals, and while some do take a leap to change their patterns, most of us stay relatively the same.
Every birthday, I anticipate and expect some new incredible thing to change within me. This thing usually aligns with the age I am turning. When I turned 13, I believed I would soon turn into a rebellious, spunky, school-motivated girl with a vast social life. Of course, I awoke the next day the same awkward person, but I continued to believe this change would take place every birthday following.
At 18, I expected to become a well-rounded high school senior with everything going for her. I did not expect to lose my health within three months.
When you are younger, you anticipate aging. When you are older, you fear it. Fear of aging can be closely tied to a fear of death, as we expect our bodies to naturally fail and decompose later in life. We naturally tie decomposition with aging.
At 18, you do not expect your health to begin declining, but maybe at 60, you do. These expectations are set into our daily lives. Loneliness, declining health and the thought of death may begin to plague every birthday once you reach a certain age.
Or, if you expect nothing, it will not.
After getting COVID-19 for the first time in January of 2024, I expected to get better. I was young and had only one chronic illness to date. It made sense that I would get better. If it was not already evident, I did not get better.
Months of anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue followed. Everywhere I turned, there was someone telling me I was far too young to be experiencing these issues.
They meant well, of course, but this thought was damaging for me. I viewed life as one big stream of health and happiness, dying out the closer you get to death. I was young, so I had to be healthy, and I had to be happy. I spent months believing that because my health was declining, so was my life. I remembered every person who told me to cherish my youth, as it only goes down from there. Here I was in my youth, falling quickly down that slope. Life prepared me to expect the worst after that.
After almost two years of this new normal, I have learned the benefit of erasing these expectations. If you expect your early life to be free of stress solely because you are young, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you expect your later years to consist only of plentiful health problems and memory issues, you also set yourself up for disappointment.
Truth is, your age is really what you make of it. Outside factors can change your expectations in a heartbeat, so why not just get rid of all expectations?
If you view life not as a downward slope, but a flat plane, one you have full ability to alter, your outlook on life will grow more positive.
While yes, your body will not be the same as you age, you will have more opportunities. More free time leads to the cultivation of hobbies, connecting with loved ones and exploring things you never had the time for in your cutthroat mid-age years. Just because you are aging does not mean you are losing anything.
At age 20, I expect nothing. I do not expect change, or hard things to navigate, or parties with friends and assured happiness. Life will act as it wants to act, and hardships will not avoid me solely because I am young.
At age 60, I will also expect nothing. I will not expect a frail body, hospital visits and loneliness. I will also not expect months of leisure with no responsibilities, a large happy family and a large amount of money to fall on.
If you wanted, you could just say if you do not expect anything, you do not get let down. That could be true, but it is not the point I am trying to make. If expectations about life are erased, the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want is revealed. Those invisible limitations society puts around us, both good and bad, will vanish. Many may no longer feel immortal, but at the same time, they will feel more alive than they ever did before.
For 7,305 days, I expected many things to happen in my life. Some have, some have not, some will and some will not. At 20, I have learned that being 20 does not mean anything for me.
Do not let it dishearten you. Enjoy the unknown, and walk into every new year with undeniable, human uncertainty.
