With that sense of possessiveness, much like most parents, we all feel a sense of favoritism, as well. Everyone has their social network of choice. Getting on the Internet is like going to the mall. It’s brightly lit, it’s crowded and there are hundreds of opportunities to make you feel terribly about yourself. Which site will you choose? It’s a big decision and certainly a more worthy one to make than say, “What should I do with my life?” Nay. To hell with my future; bring me my Macbook!
But what do these choices in social media preferences say about us? I’ll tell you!
Facebook: If Facebook is your favorite social network, I’d venture to say it’s your only social network. I’m a big fan of Facebook. As an elderly 21-year-old basking in the warmth of the wisdom that comes with old age and bountiful friend requests, I can reflect back on my time with Facebook with an introspective reverence. We’ve been through a lot together, my FB and I. Facebook is probably the best way to keep up with long-distance friends and family. If we’re Facebook friends, I know almost every detail of your life. Thanks to Facebook’s clever integrations with Big Brother – I mean, the rest of the Internet – I can keep track of which articles you’re reading (you all care A LOT about Snooki’s baby), what songs you’re listening to (mostly that Gotye song) and how much you really, really care about politics (50 percent Ron Paul, 50 percent Stop Kony!). People who choose Facebook as their social network of choice are simple but worthy folk, real salt of the earth type. It’s Mark Zuckerberg’s world, and we all just live in it. (And he’s watching.)
Twitter: Probably the ultimate manifestation of American consumerist values, Twitter is the fast food of the Internet. Instead of a cheeseburger, I’d like some thinly veiled sense of validation and self worth, and I want it now. Twitter people are clever, contemporary types who enjoy other clever, contemporary things like Wes Anderson films, exposed brick walls and quinoa. Being successful on Twitter comes down to a thoughtful combination of politically-relevant quips, meticulously-planned grammar and sincere if somewhat stilted @ replies. Never forget: we live in a world where some people are “famous because of Twitter,” and that’s just the way it is. (Follow me!)
Tumblr:Once a world confined to sad girls and writer types, Tumblr is more than ever a burgeoning force in the realm of micro-blogging. The site is a vast source for well-written think pieces on topics such as feminism, the Occupy movement and Kurt Vonnegut changed my life and he could change yours too! Plus, look at all the memes! Just look at them!
Pinterest: Pinterest is my new favorite website or, as I like to call it, “I HATE READING!” This site is a wonderland designed to simultaneously overwhelm your eyeballs while it dulls your brain into a mashed potato-like substance (served in organic ice cream cones for a great dinner party idea with your girlfriends!). If you’re on Pinterest, you’re a sentimental, crafty type – or you are now – thanks to Pinterest! Like a virtual sorority, Pinterest has provided a place of cyber camaraderie (Cyberaderie? Sorry, I’m done.) for girls living in a world that constantly strips us of meaning. We’re not shallow sex symbols! Women unite! (In these matching halter tops I made out of newspapers and yarn!)
Instagram:I’m not even here to make the whole “Everyone’s a photographer now!” argument (though I could, I won’t). Instagram is genius because it’s self preserving. Through its many filters, the phone-tography service is a constant reminder of how lame the world actually looks in real life. Food is boring and it makes you fat, but look at this Instagram photo of a corndog! Now, that’s art right there. Instagrammers of this world find beauty in the mundanities of life, like raindrops on a windshield or a discarded condom in the parking lot of Rice Hall. Now that Facebook has purchased Instagram (with Zuckerberg’s pocket change), I don’t even need an iPhone to see hazy pictures of salad all day long. Thanks, world!
Myspace: Wait, are you a real person?
So there you have it, folks. Everyone I know can be summed up and dismissed based on their social network of choice. If you don’t partake in any of these social networks, you’re obviously on some sort of mission for self enlightenment, but good luck finding something that I can’t just Google. Come all ye Twitter-ers, ye Tumblr-ers, ye Pinterest-ers. Let us soak together in the warm light of the Internet’s glow.