OMG. Let’s talk about sexting. Now, I have a confession. I’ve never sexted. I know, I know. Some people seem to think, due to these articles, I’m a sex-crazed animal-woman hybrid, whose nights are a never-ending concatenation of steamy Caligulan sex romps, which is mostly true. In contrast to our Limbaugh-topian society which would seek to shame me for any and all sexual exploits I might partake in, I find my conservative scruples an embarrassing point of contention amidst my otherwise open minded personality. So what’s the deal with sexting?
What is sexting? Indubitably my favorite portmanteau, sexting can take many different forms. Fundamentally, sexting is having sex via text messages. These texts can consist of anything from your garden variety textual smut to the type of photography that would make the French blush.
Sexting is a devolution of the phone sex of our older, cool cousins’ generation. In the days of land lines and dial tones, people would memorize each other’s phone numbers (that’s what REAL love must be like) and call each other up to exchange dirty words and the pleasure of each other’s vocal company. These were simpler times, when the Internet was a strange and foreign new world and people still read newspapers. I like to imagine phone sex usually went down like this: The scene opens on a beautiful and scantily-clad woman, alone upon her king-size and silk-sheeted bed. The phone rings, and in a split screen, we see the call is coming from a rugged yet well-dressed man, loosening his neck tie and taking a sip of bourbon at a hotel room desk. “I miss you so much, darling,” the man croons into the receiver and a Lionel Richie song begins to play as we witness the two, individually, bring each other to respective climaxes.
In 2012, phone sex has gone the way of the “Macarena.” Sure, some people are still doing it, but the only time someone under the age of 35 is doing it is ironically. We’ve moved on as a culture. Instead of the “Macarena” we have “The Wobble” and instead of phone sex, we have sexting. (Who’s excited for the future?! Anyone??) Really though, it only makes sense that we’ve moved beyond phone conversations. Nobody even talks on the phone anymore. We’re a generation that’s almost incapable of forming words into sentences and speaking them into a cellular phone in exchange for receiving similarly formed sentences in return. (FYI, that’s called a “conversation” and it’s something people had to do in olden days before emoticons were invented to sum up our every feeling.) Everybody’s texting, all of the time. It was only a matter of time before our sex lives became textualized as well.
Sexting does have a time and a place. Much like the steamy tale of the man in the hotel room I told you earlier, long distance relations might require some more creativity when it comes to keeping the relationship alive. When partners are separated for any amount of time, sometimes a few spicy texts can help keep things from becoming too disparate. If your lover is away, sending a couple of words about the things you wish you were doing to him or her will help remind both of you how much you care. Also, while your lover’s away, you might need to take care of yourself. Sending something smutty might help get you in the mood.
But like I said, I’ve never sexted. I’m afraid I’ll accidentally send an X-Rated text to the wrong person. (I believe my phone is an evil little robot that is determined to ruin my life.) I’m also very wary of sending any sort of naked picture. Just the number of naked pictures I’ve seen of other people on other people’s phones is proof enough for me that those things don’t stay private. Also, what if my dreams really do come true and I become a world-famous pop sensation and someone leaks one of my nudes to TMZ and then I lose my job as the official spokesperson for Diet Coke?
If you want to sext, though, I say go for it, but be careful. Like I said, nothing is really very private. Once you send a naked picture of yourself to someone, you can never be positive who they may show it to (unless you are imaginary and only the person you sent it to can see you, in which case, tell that person to go to therapy because having an imaginary sex friend is all kinds of crazy.)
Like your actual sex life, keep your text life interesting and safe. Always use protection! (Spellcheck, please.) Be careful with autocorrect, or you risk making some strange requests about puppies. Get creative with your photos and word choices. Hopefully one day I’ll be brave enough to embark upon my own sexting journey, but until then I wish everyone a bounty of naked Instagram photos and never-ending cell phone service. And remember, always sext responsibly.