Tuesday, I traveled with the Economics Club to the Mississippi Economic Outlook Conference. Important issues were discussed and nearly all of them should matter to students, since most of us will enter the job market in a relatively short time. Unfortunately, it’s all kind of boring. I’m an economics major, and I was yawning at times. Economic forecasts, though important, are not the most enthralling things in the world.
However, fear not. I’m going to attempt to convey most of the information in the least painful manner possible. To do this, I will take a page from Hollywood blockbusters and load my story with violence and bad dialogue.
A disclaimer: The economic issues and names are real. The events described are not. Well, most of them.
Mike Donnelly of DRI-WEFA, a private forecasting company, was in the middle of his presentation about the national economic outlook when we arrived. He talked about the soft recession and how the economy was primed for recovery, thanks to expansionary monetary and fiscal policy, when a rival economist stormed into the room, interrupting Donnelly.
He screamed, “You lie! We have too much capacity!”
The intruder jumped the podium and put Donnelly in a chokehold, while grunting through clenched teeth, “Government deficits will bring us down! Most local and state governments are in the red! The recovery will be anemic, at best! Can ya feel that, huh? Huh?”
Donnelly somehow regained his balance and flipped the intruder over his back. He yelled, “The housing market is strong! You are weak! The probable war with Iraq will cause much uncertainty, then spark small growth. I can out-forecast you using a slide rule and your bald head!”
By this time, other developers managed to drag the intruder away from Donnelly and kick him out the conference. “You need to preregister next time, fool,” Donnelly said as he shut the door on him.
Phil Pepper, Mississippi’s state economist, took the podium for the next presentation. He said, “Just so all you playa-haters know, Mississippi’s economy ain’t recovering, and none of you are taking me down. And just so you know, we’re gonna be losing jobs in most sectors, though not as fast as other states. Got that?
“Now, pay attention punks. This ain’t your granddaddy’s Mississippi. Agriculture accounts for approximately 3 percent of employment. And it doesn’t pay the best salaries. Value-added industries like food-processing and auto manufacturing are where it’s at. So quit worrying about subsidizing agriculture so much. Now who’s gonna challenge the throne? No one? I thought so.”
The afternoon’s main event was a panel discussion questioning whether economic development incentives are good policy. Three men involved in Mississippi economic development, Jimmy Heidel, Bob Neal and Mickey Milligan, and one economist from Ole Miss, Christopher Hanes, made up the panel.
As the smoke caused by the fireworks during introductions cleared, Hanes lit into Heidel.
“Incentives are just taxpayer-supported bribes. If you gave universities as much cash as you give to Nissan, we might have a backbone for long-term development. Instead we give these companies huge !
He then broke his chair over Heidel’s back.
Reeling from the blow, Heidel responded, “We ain’t livin’ in a perfect world. Every other state gives up the incentives. We gots to compete.” While talking, he pulled a nightstick that had been strapped to his back and dealt Hanes a blow to the gut.
“Oooooo,” Hanes moaned as he crumbled to the floor. “But they cause !#$@! market perversions. We’re paying more for the jobs than they’re worth…”
Heidel tagged Neal, and Neal stepped into the ring, swinging a pair of nunchucks. “Yeah, you’re gonna like this, you egghead. Let’s see you attract sumthin’ high-class like Nissan that’ll put thousands of people to work and bring millions in investment. Even your precious !#$@! universities will benefit.”
Suddenly, Hanes lept to his feet. “But it would be more efficient to fund things directly,” he said as he grabbed Neal and brought him to the ground in a bone-crunching suplex.
Heidel and Milligan ran from the ring, saying, “We’ll be back. Remember, without development incentives, we’d have a hard time building a tax base to fund universities.”
Hanes grabbed a revolver that had been taped to his ankle. “Come and get it anytime, fellas. You know where I am.”
He then kicked Neal in the ribs.
Wilson Boyd is a senior economics major.