Slackers, start drafting your letters now. If Boston-area teenager Doug Anglin has his way, you will all be able to sue the public school system to have your high school grades retroactively boosted. That is, if you are male. Oh, didn’t you hear? The school system inherently discriminates against you, as the evidence clearly establishes. Maybe some of these atrocities that Anglin experienced have even happened to you.
From The Boston Globe: “Girls are rewarded for abiding by the rules, while boys’ more rebellious ways are punished.” Oh, the terrors! A school that still punishes students for breaking the rules, now that is a crime. What will we see next? Suspension? Expulsion? Execution?
Anglin’s right-this is totally out of hand. How can teenage males be expected to follow girly rules like sitting in desks and not talking in class? They are about to enter college or the working world; they need this time for a final show of manhood, before they are forced into the emasculating real world that forces them to occasionally sit still and be quiet when their bosses are talking. Abolish all rules, I say. Girls are abusing the system to gain unfair rewards and boys won’t follow the rules anyway, so who needs them?
“The system is designed to the disadvantage of males. From the elementary level, they establish a philosophy that if you sit down, follow orders and listen to what they say, you’ll do well and get good grades. Men naturally rebel against this.”
Wait a minute! Do the men in the U.S. armed forces know that they have been selling out to the most feminine institution in the history of this country? What about the engineering departments on campus? And the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies? That explains why a man typically still makes more money for doing the same job as a woman: it’s reparations for the 13 years of indignity of being forced to act like a girl and sit down and shut up at the hands of the U.S. government. Money is not enough, though. The government should force women back to their places in the kitchen so men are not at any kind of unfair disadvantage in the workplace, either.
“Girls outnumber boys by almost 2 to 1 on the honor roll. In Advanced Placement classes, almost 60 percent of the students are female.” Anglin naturally rules out the possibility that “girls are smarter than boys.” After all, it was just a few years ago when we learned the reason females don’t do as well in math and science fields: they are not as mentally capable as the menfolk. So that absolutely cannot be the answer. It must be the system; after all, each testicle gives you at least a 20 point boost on your IQ, right? Say it with me, “The system must change!”
Of course every half-witted lawsuit is always equipped with a pack of solutions that would more than make up for damage incurred. Anglin thinks “the high school should give students credit for playing sports, not just for art and drama courses.”
Sounds perfect. The school should give sports players physical education credit, and the teenage parents should get credit in home economics. While they’re at it, they should give any crystal meth manufacturers credits for chemistry, and don’t forget to give the kids who sue their school system credits for government. Fifteen years down the road, is it really going to matter whether you can form a cogent argument or decipher something as complex as a novel? Which is more important for getting ahead in life: having an almost perfect free throw percentage, or being able to discern the prose of Faulkner?
Anglin also says “the school should abolish its community service requirement. It’s another burden that will just set off resistance from boys, who may skip it and fail to graduate as a result.” What an excellent idea! However, don’t stop there. There’s also a few other requirements that you should abolish to ensure that male students “graduate.”
Obviously, the English classes are biased when the teachers force you to read things like “The Scarlet Letter.” That novel is like the basis of the entire Lifetime Movie Network. Math requirements are also unfair when little girls have spent their entire lives measuring and cooking in the kitchen while little boys are preoccupied with things like video games and comic books.
However, males are never at a bigger disadvantage than when inside of the biology classroom. Heck, teenage girls already know all about the digestive system. After years of intense socialization, they have learned that to be accepted in society they have to either a) not eat what they want to or b) make themselves vomit after every meal.
And don’t even get me started on how much they already know about the reproductive system with their menstrual cycles and what not.
If you hurry now, then you may be able to turn this into a class-action lawsuit and save your brothers/sons/cousins/nephews/whatever from having to compete with their lesser counterparts before it’s too late. Remember kids, it’s not important if you can compete with the men and women in the rest of the world for jobs once you get out of high school. What is important is that you learn to bilk the system. After all, globalization is so pass‹¨.