You’re in college. So am I.
We’re young, and we’re
also invincible. And
although we’re educated enough
to know that we won’t live forever,
we are planning to live well
into the 23rd century. The fun is
never going to stop, right?
Not so fast, readers. It’s not
quite that simple, although it
is somewhat simple. Yes, you’re
young and invincible. I wasn’t
lying about that. But young
people grow old, and invincibility
wear off after around 15
seconds. Just ask Mario, on both
accounts.
You need some help with these
sorts of things. Mother Nature,
Father Time and God say that
your longevity is limited. Well,
they’re haters. They’re worried
that the longer you live, the
less significant their timelessness
would become. And after reading
up on the latest health headlines
on Google News, I can help
you prove them all wrong.
The first article I read was
about how New Jersey was
requiring flu shots for all children
before they could enroll in
preschools. This is a great idea,
definitely in the spirit of defying
the eternal forces that govern
our existence. Unfortunately
though, this new law sparked a
lot of outrage among parents,
who apparently thought their
children were too good for mandatory
injections.
Luckily, I thought of an alternative.
You know what’s better
than a flu shot? Minor exposure
to a variety of diseases over time
is what I’m thinking. Now, forget
about those trivial preschoolers,
and think about yourselves
for once (you deserve it). What’s
the best way for you, a vibrant,
young college student, to expose
yourself to a variety of diseases?
The answer is beer pong,
ladies and gentlemen. In order to
improve your health, you need to
up your beer pong dosages, stat.
Of course, for this to work, it’s
imperative that you re-use your
cups and play against as many
different teams as possible.
As you expose yourself to
more and more diseases, your
health is probably going to skyrocket.
Your medical expenses
will plummet, plus you won’t
have to bother with those pesky
needles or doctors anymore. And
the more I think about it, maybe
this wouldn’t just work for college
students. In fact, maybe
those preschoolers do have
another option.
The next health-related article
I read was about a young man
named Brad Sciullo, who had
the courage and audacity to consume
a hamburger that weighed
just over 20 pounds.
You, the bright-eyed college
student, are wondering how eating
such a prodigious burger
could enhance your health.
Unfortunately, it won’t help it
directly. However, if you delve
deeper into the burger article,
you will notice that Mr. Sciullo’s
feat earned him “$400, three
T-shirts, a certificate and a burger
hangover.”
Think about this. $400, not
to mention three T-shirts and
a certificate, is an awful lot of
money. Assuming that Mr.
Sciullo’s normal salary is around
minimum wage (like a lot of
college students), we can surmise
that Mr. Sciullo’s gorging earned
him nearly two weeks off from
work.
What could he do with all of
this free time, you ask? Well, he
can start playing a hell of a lot
more beer pong, that’s for sure.
He’s going to live forever!
That, to me, represents the
circle of life. You eat a massive
hamburger on occasion, and you
play as much beer pong as possible
in between. You can do this
for as many years as you like,
as your body’s aging processes
should effectively come to a halt.
A veritable fountain of youth,
right?