Objective moral truth. Is it right to believe in it? Is it sometimes wrong to consider not believing in it? According to an online best friend of mine, the truth is objectively out there. And now that he has enlightened me via several lengthy online comments, I tend to agree with him 100 percent.
Of course, my own experiences also played a large part in leading me to this conclusion. Over the course of my life, I have come to the realization that some things are just flat-out wrong. Some actions are just so repulsive not even I could attempt to justify them.
For example, you should never murder someone for a Playstation 3, especially if that new “Metal Gear Solid” isn’t due out for another six months. You should never poison someone’s drink in beer pong, because that means everyone else will get poisoned if you’re recycling cups. And worst of all, you should never, ever steal someone’s antenna from their car, period. That’s the main one.
Even the most subjective of moralists would agree that stealing the antenna from a 1998 Nissan Sentra is among the most reprehensible of sins. Yet, shockingly, this is exactly what happened to me last week.
At first, I thought it was an isolated incident. My first thought was that perhaps a group of hooligans had drunkenly taken to classical fencing, and they had decided to use my antenna as a makeshift rapier. My second thought was that maybe it had broken off during my last trip through the Hardee’s drive-thru, as I distinctly remember being perilously close to the menu at some points.
However, when my friend Kris informed me a couple days later that his antenna had gone missing as well, I knew that on our hands we had the worst kind of criminal possible: a serial antenna thief. The scum of the earth, I’ve always said.
Is this really that bad, you say? Yes, this really is that bad, I say. It’s not just about my penchant for Chris Brown music. It’s not just about the $20 or whatever that it will cost to replace the old antenna. It’s about my own dignity.
I am lost without the radio. More specifically, I am lost without National Public Radio. In the last week, I have literally felt my grasp on reality slipping. Like a desperate mountain climber about to plummet to his death in the rocky, yet beautiful ravine below, reality knows it can’t maintain contact with me for much longer.
My friend Daniel says I don’t seem the same lately. He says that I’m out of touch and that my contributions to discussions on current events are misguided and slightly antiquated. He says that ever since I stopped listening to “All Things Considered,” the scope of my thoughts seems severely limited. And it wasn’t just Daniel who pointed out that the parka I wore to class on Wednesday didn’t line up with the forecast.
I just don’t know what to do. I am an upright citizen, like Amy Poehler used to be, and I can’t seem to comprehend the reasoning behind stealing a radio antenna. Where are your morals, antenna bandits? If you had believed in objective morality, like I do now after you stole my antenna, then you likely would have acted differently. Shame on you.
Robert Scribner is a graduate student majoring in business administration. He can be contacted at [email protected].