The Chronicles of Riddick
Universal
Cast: Vin Diesel, Colm Feore, Thandie Newton and Karl Urban
The Verdict: There’s no saving this chronicle of lameness and idiocricy.
1 out of 4 stars
By some miraculous guesswork, David Twohy and his screenwriters knew everyone wanted a prequel to “Pitch Black” starring Vin Diesel. Actually, no one asked for this convoluted sci-fi garbage.
Naturally, the film kicks off with Riddick (Diesel), a virtually emotionless criminal, fighting off ambitious mercenaries. He manhandles the pesky bounty hunters and steals their ship. Riddick lands on Helion Prime, a planet invaded by Necromongers. This wicked army has one purpose: to find the “Underverse” by converting or killing humans (no, it never makes any sense). For some vague reason, Riddick develops a conscience and decides to help the people of Helion Prime.
While this groundbreaking plot would be enough, the amazing screenwriters surprise us with a subplot involving deception. Vaako (Karl Urban) and his lady friend (Thandie Newton), a pair of Necromongers, plan to overthrow their leader, Lord Marshall (Colm Feore), for they feel Marshall has perverted the Necromonger dream. The two conspirators see Riddick as the perfect way of offing Marshall. Wow, if Shakespeare were alive, he would take hints from these innovative script masters.
Thankfully, “Chronicles” leaps over lame, conventional dialogue and exercises good taste. For example, a mercenary inspires his comrade as they chase Riddick, “Throw on a fresh pair of panties-let’s get this right!” Obviously, this line ranks up there with Clark Gable’s remark, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Of course, the greatest lines come from our hero, Vin Diesel. Hear the conviction of the talented actor as he utters, “You’re not afraid of the dark, are you?” Diesel can even be romantic when he tries, “It’s been a long time since I’ve smelled beautiful.” Also, it must be noted that Diesel probably gargled razorblades for his frigid, gravely voice. He hits a whopping two tones in “Chronicles,” an impressive feat for the monotone action star.
Against all odds, “Chronicles” accomplishes an untried mission by weary filmmakers-it steals a concept from “Mortal Kombat.” Apparently, Lord Marshall has played the video games and admires the sorcerer Shang Tsung: “I will have your soul!” No, I’m not making this up.
Honestly, the Necromongers ignite interest at times, but since the creators couldn’t think of a decent explanation for the proselytizers, the race gets the incredibly original description of being “half alive, half …something else.” This brings a thoughtful description for the screenwriters: half-assed.
Even though there’s an attempt to flesh out Riddick’s past, this origin falls into the pits of trumpery. Only an Elemental, a spirit-like old lady, can inform Riddick of his shady becoming, and a prophecy states Riddick will defeat Lord Marshall. Yawn.
Supposedly, a special effects team created the magic behind “Chronicles,” yet strangely enough, I believe the Playstation 2 kept switching on while the film played, for it seemed like console graphics dominated some of the battles and spaceship scenes. Speaking of battles, Riddick kills a guy with a teacup, which is the most novel idea of the film.
Unless you believe Diesel is the next Eastwood or think incoherency should be the standard for a story, avoid this pestilence. Forget the Iron Maiden or the Spanish Tickler. For efficient torture, turn on “Chronicles.”