It’s give-and-take. Not give-or-take. Not give, then take. Not just take. And not just give. Give-and-take.
That’s what makes a good relationship.
When you get into a relationship, it’s natural to want to give everything you have. You want to please your new partner as much as possible. You want to keep him or her around for a long time, so you put all of your effort into making sure your new special someone is happy all the time. But you can only give for so long, because as long as you keep giving, your other half will keep taking and will probably do very little giving.
Likewise, you can’t get into a relationship just wanting to take everything you’re given. You can’t expect to reap all of the benefits of a relationship without putting any effort into it yourself.
In order for a relationship to work, there has to be a balanced exchange between both parties. Otherwise, it’s likely that the giver is going to get burnt out on giving. This leaves the taker a bit lost, because after a while, he or she is going to forget how to give. Or at least forget what needs to be given.
I think we all fall into one of the two categories in every relationship we’re a part of. We tend to want to make up for the category we’re missing in other relationships. If we’re constantly giving all we’ve got in one relationship, praying that we won’t lose that someone special, we’re most likely going to be taking all we can get in another relationship. The balance has to come from somewhere, or we would drive ourselves insane.
It’s not fair to either member of the relationship, no matter how we try to justify the situation. Whoever we are constantly giving to is being cheated because he or she is not learning how to give, and whoever we’re taking from is being cheated because he or she is not getting anything back from us. In the end, both people are going to suffer.
The balance must come from within each relationship. It’s inane to think that you can balance one relationship with the next. Trying to do so is only going to send you into a series of failing relationships, ultimately leaving you unhappy with yourself and everything around you.
Obviously there will be times when you feel like you’re putting more into a relationship than you’re getting out, or vice-versa. Life in all of its unpredictability will sometimes bring more demands upon one partner in a relationship than the other. At some point though, the ratio of give-and-take must start heading back to 1:1.
When you realize that you’ve been putting in far too much time and receiving little payback, you need to analyze the situation and find a way to slow down your generous nature and start being a little bit selfish.
There are a couple more important rules pertaining to the idea of a give-and-take relationship. You can’t be generous primarily in hopes of getting some back later. Giving to get is just as bad as simply being selfish without an inkling of generosity. In fact, it’s almost worse because you are being somewhat deceitful by tricking your partner into thinking that your intentions are good when you know that you’re only being generous because you want a little something in return.
On the other hand, we can’t keep taking what is given and plan on giving back later. Plans are plans, and nothing more. It is common that plans never evolve into anything more. You must know that you are giving back at the same time you are reaping the benefits of your partner’s generosity. Otherwise, it is likely you’ll forget to give before you take again.
Ideally, all relationships would be consistent give-and-take processes. But we all know that life is far from ideal. Sometimes there are people who are givers, and they will always be givers; there are people who are takers, and they will always be takers. It is imperative, however, that both categories of people learn to compromise from time to time.
A relationship can never be entirely healthy for both people involved unless a balance of some nature is reached.
Michael Robert is a sophomore studying mathematics. Send your relationship comments and questions to [email protected].