“There’s someone out there for everyone.”

We’ve all heard this one before.

Our mothers cited it to us when we locked ourselves in the bathroom because we had better odds at getting hit by lightning than we did at getting a date. Sure, these words may have given us the faith we needed to resurface in society, but were they really true? Is there actually someone out there for everyone — no matter how weird, perverse or psychotic they are?

The answer is “yes.” The proof to this statement is a lot closer than you’d think. It’s at your nearest computer. The answer is on-line.

America Online gives out free hours like they were pieces of candy on Halloween. That’s why I first ventured into the bizarre world of the Internet – because it wasn’t going to cost me anything. I suddenly found I had a link to the entire world directly through my keyboard.

Where would I go first? The possibilities were endless.

Would I join an elite group of political thinkers to discuss the evolution of a cashless society? Or would I sit in on a lecture given by a world-renowned scientist concerning the everyday developments toward a cure for cancer?

Technology would take me and my intellect to astonishing new heights … only it didn’t. My quest for a better understanding of the world ended with a message from a man in Tulsa inquiring about the size of my genitalia.

People can do this on-line. They can click into whatever screen you’re on and say anything they want. I’ve had every interruption, from a detailed description of a man’s wife in the shower to an invitation to Washington for an enema. The Internet is where the freaks go to meet.

There is a list of rooms you can choose from, not all of them having to do with sex. But even if you click into the Spam room — and yes, this room does exist – odds are some sicko will broadcast his or her unique sexual fantasies involving Hormel’s most prized product across the screen. You just can’t escape from the weirdos in cyberspace.

People can send you dirty pictures, too. This was a huge surprise to me. They call them GIFs. The first time I was ever offered one, I thought I was being offered a present by a lousy typist. After I downloaded my GIF, an interesting picture of a naked lady and a poodle appeared as clear as day on the screen. I felt like the little arrow on my mouse needed a shower.

Being on-line does have its advantages – sports scores, weather updates, late breaking news stories. Not every aspect of the service is coded in perversion – just some of it.

Despite the basic oddity of the entire on-line experience, it does suit its obvious purpose. It offers our nation’s most backward citizens a place to mingle. The Internet will be the guidance to self-esteem for tomorrow’s generations.

Somewhere in the future when our children start feeling a little out of place or somewhat goofy, we can promise them that someday they will feel as if they belong.

“How can I be so sure, Daddy?” my little girl will ask me. “How will I ever know that I’ll always have a place to truly be myself?”

I’ll smile down at her and gently begin the timeless story.

“You see, dear, there once was this man who was a big fan of Spam …”