I was smitten last Valentine’s Day. A young girl owned the key to my heart and inspired me to write a special column offering alternative ideas for couples looking for a change of pace. The love we had has since turned to black hate, so this year I’m writing for those of you worried you may lose your significant others. Learn from my mistakes, and turn your relationship into one of deep emotional fulfillment and animalistic passion.
The emotional part of a relationship is the most important part. Without a thriving emotional connection with your partner, a physical connection is almost impossible to maintain.
Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your partner is one of the easiest and most important things you can do to foster a healthy emotional relationship.
Whenever you speak to your partner, make sure your mouth is from four to six inches from his or her ear. Misunderstandings can often spring from hearing deficiencies. It’s important to maintain a high level of mouth-to-ear proximity even when in public situations. If people laugh, it’s because they’re thinking of a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon they saw a few years ago.
Another important factor in cultivating an emotional relationship is making your partner feel good about him or herself.
One of the easiest and most effective ways to do this is to practice self-deprecation. Costume shops and most supermarkets carry basic special effects makeup kits. These inexpensive novelties can do wonders for ruining your physical appearance.
With a little practice, you can convince your lover you’ve developed jaundice or leprosy. You might also try attaching false gray hair to your face in unusual patterns. Seeing your disfigured face and body will boost his or her self-esteem.
Also, you can’t forget about the details. Just doing small things for your lover will make him or her feel loved.
Buying gifts when it isn’t Christmastime or an anniversary is a good way to surprise your partner and make him or her feel special.
If you feel like being naughty, browse the black market for ideas. Extra organs are always handy in a pinch. You might also look into Soviet weapons or children.
If you don’t want to risk the embarrassment of your partner finding out you bought him or her a present on the black market, stick with something less opulent but more fun like wooden dentures.
Once you have the emotional aspect of your relationship nailed, you can move on to the physical.
Start out by working on the basic aspects of a physical relationship, such as kissing.
After you move in to kiss your partner, but just before your lips actually meet, make a gentle hissing sound and flick your tongue in and out.
If your partner asks why you’re hissing, tell him or her that you are the snake god Degei from Fijian mythology. Games like this should make your partner feel more comfortable with you in intimate physical situations.
There are a couple ways you can improve your physical relationship when it comes to sex.
One mistake couples often make in bed is keeping things too serious. Laughter can relax you and your partner and increase your sexual experience. Before you have sex, tell your partner there’s no need to use contraceptives because you can’t have children. In a few months when your partner finds out she’s pregnant or you tell him you’re pregnant, laugh and say, “You stupid idiot. I was lying to you the whole time.”
Verbal feedback during sex can also make your partner feel more comfortable and add to the experience for both of you. During sex, speak aloud the names of some of your favorite foods such as “mashed potatoes,” “turnip greens” and “T-bone.” Verbally associating your sexual experience with your favorite foods will flatter your partner.
These are only a few tips you can use to salvage your waning relationship-few, but important. Take them to heart and you won’t find yourself eating dinner alone on Valentine’s Day.