I doubt very many people can say they had a beer before their first cola, but admittedly, I experienced a buzz before a sugar-high.
Sodas were simply never kept in my house growing up, unless it was Canada Dry to soothe stomach aches or Coca-Cola to accompany my dad’s Jack Daniels.
I do not blame my parents, and I never had a curiosity about trying fizzy drinks until this year. As a complete disclaimer, the sodas I have had before this year were: Canada Dry, Sprite, Sierra Mist (which was the bane of my existence; I actually cheered when I heard it was discontinued) and Coca-Cola as of November 2022.
I have spent 21 years of my life ignoring all the options at soda fountains and holding down that awkward ‘water’ button to carefully avoid any fizzy contamination. No more. I have resolved to break out of my usual water order and begin trying as many soft drinks as I can.
After consulting experienced soda drinkers, I went to Kroger and stared at the endless drink options, using my notes to grab recommended colas, citrus drinks and a fruit-flavored soda to cover my bases.
I judged five drinks on a scale of one to five. One means the drink was repulsive to all senses, and I strongly questioned its continued production. A five means I wished the drink was in my life sooner, and I would choose it over water next time. I dimmed the lights, played some Elton John and set out a whiskey glass for optional sensory evaluation.
Let the soda tasting begin.
Mountain Dew: 3/5
My initial reaction was surprise as I poured the soda into my glass. “This looks like pee,” was the first thing out of my mouth.
After pushing aside any conflicting feelings I had about drinking Mountain Dew, I took a sip and was taken aback. Besides sight, all my senses told me this drink was Sprite. The refreshing citrus smell and taste was great, until I felt a coating on my tongue. This was where the deductions began. It was not as light as Sprite, and the aftertaste made me want to brush my teeth. I did not find this drink particularly terrible, but I was waiting for it to be great— especially for the hype it receives. However, I would definitely consider selecting Mountain Dew in my fast-food meal and drink combo.
Conclusion: Mountain Dew is pee-colored Sprite with a heavy aftertaste, but I am not mad about it.
Dr. Pepper: 4/5
What a thrill. The vanilla scent, the taste and the smooth texture were very pleasant. Because of the sweetness, I would never order this drink with a meal. Instead, I would like to think of it as a dessert drink, which makes it unique, and the possibility of a Dr. Pepper ice cream float excites me. I would even go as far to argue that it is the liqueur of the soda world. Overall, Dr. Pepper impressed me.
Conclusion: Dr. Pepper possesses great power as a dessert drink to be mixed with ice cream or as a liqueur, but it should never wash down a Big Mac.
Fanta: 1/5
Allow me to systematically rip Fanta apart, beginning with aesthetic. The florescent orange was a massive turn-off, and I had hopes it was simply the color of the bottle. If you told me Fanta was radioactive, I may have believed you. The smell was immediately repulsive, as it smelled like a combination of SunnyD, sugar tablets and citrus cleaning product. Lastly, the taste left me wondering if the creator of Fanta knew what an orange was. I think they just knew the color orange existed and were tasked to make a drink that tastes the way orange looks. After trying Fanta, I have since been recommended Crush, but I have doubts that product is any better.
Conclusion: Who filled my SunnyD with orange-flavored Smarties?
Coca-Cola vs. Pepsi: 5/5, 5/5
After taking a taste of each, I asked myself, “Are these supposed to be different?” I have likely enraged my audience, and I do admit there are very subtle differences in the flavor, texture and total sugar and caffeine content.
Coke is a bit smoother and has a vague vanilla aftertaste, while Pepsi is ever so slightly more acidic and packs a somewhat larger punch. I admit that perhaps having an entire can or bottle, rather than a modest tasting, will make a greater impact on taste. However, they are practically the same product.
After examining the nutrition facts, I have resolved to reach for a Coca-Cola when I crave soda for slightly less sugar and caffeine. Nonetheless, both of these drinks are absolutely excellent. I now understand why they are staples in American culture, and I plan on trying more of the flavor variants.
Conclusion: I have failed the American people for not having a clear stance on the Coke vs. Pepsi debate, but I can confidently say that I am jealous of the supermarket babies who were given these so early on. My parents failed me, and I will make up for lost time with a few 6-packs of colas.
This soda tasting was a rite of passage. The sugar high I got afterwards was unprecedented, and I truly did not know how to counteract it. Instead, I held my shaking hands, looked at the empty cans and tried to understand what I just got myself into.