Fifteen months ago, the Reflector published an article I wrote titled “Energy drink reviews: Reign reigns supreme, Bucked Up disappoints.” Due to the popularity of that article, this has become a three-part series in which I test the limits of peak degeneracy. This time, we added alcohol.
The challenge is simple: curate a cocktail including an energy drink and a liquor of choice. Following consumption, each drink had a task involved for entertainment purposes. These tasks were thought up on the spot and have no real correlation to what I will be drinking, but as both alcohol and caffeine are often consumed more for effect than for taste, the experience is where a lot of judgment on these drinks lies. I do not recommend doing this, and the article should probably end as a joke right here. However, it will not.
Vodka Red Bull: 2 ounces of Vodka, 8 ounces of Red Bull (~80 mg of caffeine)
I once had a friend who referred to VRBs as “self-revives” and would frequently order them at the bar if he got tired. I followed his tradition. In East Lansing, Michigan, some friends and I watched the Michigan State Spartans defeat the Michigan Wolverines in men’s basketball. Following this, we walked to the college bar Lou & Harry’s Grill & Bakery, colloquially known as “LouHa’s.” “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan was audible from the street.
The VRB provided to me at LouHa’s was refreshing, with the kick of vodka being the perfect complement to the taste of Red Bull. The caffeine lifted me back up and helped when a student at Michigan State named Ava asked me to take a few pictures of her and her friends. I then fielded questions about what it was like in the heart of the South, with answers coming easier due to the so-called “self-revive.” “Come on Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners played as this experience rounded off.
Rum and Reign: 2 oz of Vanilla Rum, 6 oz of Reignbow Sherbert Reign (~112 mg of caffeine)
This had no right to be so excellent. This tasted like it sounds — a love child of the Caribbean islands and America’s gym community. I hate so much that the flavor is going to be so challenging to replicate without caffeine. It was refreshing and tasted exactly like Rainbow Sherbert ice cream as it was enjoyed while witnessing the worst TV show concept of all time play out in real-time.
“Temptation Island” is a show where four couples go to an island where the men live in their own cabin with 12 single women and the women do the same, living with 12 single men. The goal is for none of the coupled-up to cheat, while the singles attempt to get them to do so. While drinking the Rum and Reign, Taylor, girlfriend of participant Tyler, said quite possibly the greatest line in television history.
“You have to walk blindly in this faith that your man isn’t doing anything,” Taylor said.
My advice to Taylor is simple: seek Christ. Tyler was cheating on you. This was followed by egregious cheating by one of the men, followed by a confessional in which he said he was still being respectful.
Laughter ensued. Whether by the power of maniacally sipping a tropical cocktail or watching attractive people with questionable brain cell counts, I was gifted a superiority complex as if I had a personal suite on Mount Olympus. I credit this to the additives to the Reign, which would more than likely have me feeling this way even if the rum was not present. This feeling did not subside until the drink was gone and the episode was over.
Whiskey Bang: 2 oz Jim Beam, 8 oz Candy Apple Crisp Bang (~150 mg of caffeine)
My roommate enjoys this combination, a crime which should violate the Geneva Convention.
The mix itself tasted good, it had a refreshing twist on an apple/whiskey drink, which was easy to drink and made both the caffeine and alcohol evident in my system. This enjoyment did not last long.
Drinking this was followed by missions with friends on the popular game “Helldivers 2.” My performance was mediocre at best, as we failed one mission and I accidentally carpet bombed them six times. Extreme regret of the consumption hit two hours later and remains with me to this day.
Tequila Ghost: 2 oz Tequila, 8 oz Cherry Limeade Ghost (~100 mg of caffeine)
Tequila Ghost was the greatest experience. I meal-prepped during my enjoyment of the ever-so-fun to say Tequila Ghost. Rice cooked and ground beef was seasoned as the aroma of tequila refused to subside at the threat of a Ghost. After a few sips, however, this became extremely enjoyable. “Leave Her” by D4vd played as the steam began to rise.
I am not entirely sure what it is about Ghost, but it is so hard to be upset while drinking it. Perhaps it is simply the satiation of my caffeine addiction, perhaps not. I consider this as I grab meal containers. “Never Wanna Let Go” by David Hale curates an insanely positive vibe throughout the process.
The beef and rice get moved to containers, and I enjoy sipping the remnants of the caffeinated alcohol while listening to a Theo Von YouTube clip titled “Why It’s so Easy to Keep a Bad Habit.” I ponder my inadequacies without feeling inadequate. I wonder if it is the cooking or the Ghost that is being therapeutic. I know for a fact it was not the tequila.
Overall, this was an experience that took place in reality. That is about all I can say. I would allegedly recommend each of these to be consumed, but if one ever decided to have more than one of these in a short amount of time, congratulations, you have successfully reinstituted natural selection.
“Temptation Island” however? 10/10 would recommend.
