Nearly 10 months ago, I collected my thoughts on the vessels of my addiction to caffeine for monetary gain. Somehow, that article has become the third most viewed article on the Reflector website from the past year, despite my reference to Celsius as the real-life version of “South Park’s” Tegridy Burger.
After said 10 months, which included a comment on the article calling me a marshmallow and an extreme lack of enthusiasm from any energy drink brand to send me free stuff, I was given the green light to create a second list of energy drink reviews.
So, in proper Disney fashion, the sequel has arrived.
Ryse Fuel
I did not like the way the Ryse can felt. Call me spoiled, call it a nitpick, but Ghost and Reign have led me into solely enjoying embossed cans. This is semantical at the end of the day, but that was the first thing I noticed when I picked up the Ring-Pop flavored can of Ryse I tried for this review, and it is still what I remember most.
Did it caffeinate me? Absolutely. It contains 300 milligrams of caffeine. However, there was not much more to it—not even the flavor could salvage it.
Alani Nu
For the uninitiated, the benefits of energy drinks, outside of caffeine, are the additives within, which can often have legitimate effects on mood and brainpower. Timing your energy drink consumption around your day can make you much more effective during otherwise stressful hours.
I had an Alani Nu for this review directly after a gym workout. It tasted like candy, maybe a tad too carbonated, but it was not bothersome. Alani Nu, to me, is what Celsius should be. I walked away from it feeling an extreme sense of calm, so I expect I will come back to it here and there.
Bang Energy
My roommate mixes Bang with whiskey. What is worse than that is that it is actually enjoyable. Now, I am unsure that life is guaranteed to be on the other side of the whiskey-Bang, but it at least was a welcome surprise.
Bang is enjoyable, and the flavors are well done, but something about it makes me question my sanity. Is it missing something without dark liquor? Has my life already peaked? Why did “Game of Thrones” have to end so poorly?
V8
To be fully transparent, I have never had a V8 energy drink. I have only had one singular sip of it in my life, and I in no way remember it, nor do I want to. The fact that this exists is an abomination to our society. The fact that V8 can thrive based on being essentially vegetable juice is gross enough, but carbonated, caffeinated vegetable juice? Be gone, Satan.
As I said with Celsius in the first review, newsflash, no energy drink is good for you. Making an attempt to be healthy with something that is inherently not great for you is missing the forest for the tree.
Ghost (Welch’s Grape)
You read that correctly. There is a Welch’s grape-flavored Ghost energy drink. Is it good? Yes, but who cares if it is not? Ghost has single-handedly proven America’s success here. In a mere 250 years, we went from ivory dentures to Welch’s grape-flavored Ghost.
This is patriotism. Its sheer existence is so painfully stupid that it cannot be anything other than hilarious. Now, one may feel as though it is hypocritical for me to say this after my V8 opinion, but I say there is a difference between “this should not exist” and “why does this exist?”
Celsius (the 16-ounce cans)
Celsius still tastes okay at best. Its additives do not do enough to match the given effect of other energy drinks that have even less caffeine. Celsius once again proves itself fraudulent.
All of this to say, if you are going to make an energy drink, at least be intellectually honest. Reign got the best of the last energy drink reviews as they had enough additives to fit the marketing scheme of being the gym-goers energy drink of choice.
Ghost is a company that gained popularity through collaborations with Sour Patch Kids, so of course, they should be absurdist with their flavors and collaborations. V8 and Celsius energy drinks try to act as though they are not what they objectively are, which is not good for you.
Based on my findings, stick with Reign, Ghost and Alani Nu for your greatest ratio of enjoyability to lack of corporate greed.
