During my summer vacation I was in my car when I realized my worst fears. Every four years the same horrors visit us like a plague of locusts over the land. This year the plague came early. The war of the politically charged bumper stickers has started.
It amazes me how hyped everyone gets during an election year. The banners come out, and each side cheers for a team. Like Roman gladiators or fans at an Egg Bowl, two fierce enemies are pitted against each other in a knockdown, drag-out fight to see who will be the nation’s Ultimate Champion.
It was there in my car on that day that will live in infamy, that I was witness to the carnage and destruction sure to continue into the fall. On my right was a Chevy which felt it necessary to tell every other car that he would be voting for Bush. Not to be outdone, an approaching Volvo countered with a bid for Kerry.
An unease settled across the highway after these two cars drove side by side. Suddenly the lines had been drawn on the battlefield, and the troops sprang into action.
Zooming up to join her brother on the right, a Cadillac attacked with her “I’d die before I’d vote for a democrat” sticker, and a Saturn backed her up with a bumper saying “Bush is the best!”
Obviously I expected the left lane to collapse under the heavy artillery, but a lone Pontiac came to the rescue with a “Kerry and Edwards-Leading the country to prosperity” banner. This message seemed to shame the Caddy. And when the occupants in the right lane let their guards down, a BMW came from nowhere with a double attack of “Kerry can do what no Bush can” and “Save the environment-plant a Bush back in Texas.”
The ante had been upped. The BMW’s two signs threw this battle into guerilla warfare. No one was safe now.
For the next 23 miles bombs were tossed back and forth between the two lanes. A “W is for winners” attack was deflected by a little Volkswagen in the left lane, but the little car couldn’t take any more big hits like that. A Ford almost lost it after reading a bumper stating “Republicans = Certain death.”
I lagged behind the turmoil, praying I wouldn’t be called to into action. Was I afraid to stand up for my side? Heck no! It’s just that those stickers are impossible to get off, especially when they start to peel in strips like parking decals.
And then, when I thought I’d never see the end to the bloodbath, a Gremlin pulled out in front of both lanes with a “Nader is the only way to go” sticker. The poor guy never even saw it coming.
In a display of mutual hatred and rage, both lanes immediately went into battle formation, crossing lanes and working as a well-oiled fighting machine. The right and left lanes became as one as they collectively ran the Gremlin off the road, giving him a one-finger salute and leaving him in their dust.
After uniting against the common enemy, the lanes shifted once more and the warfare resumed. Apparently both sides felt battle fatigue, but each gave one last valiant effort before calling it a day. I noticed the troops were tired when they resorted to sarcasm. A Honda drove by with a “Oh yeah, let’s all vote for Bush. Maybe he has the hang of it now.” The left lane countered when a Nissan drove by with a “What’s Kerry gonna do if we don’t vote for him? Take away our ketchup?”
With the last of the artillery spent, the cars slowly began to make their retreats. Some took exits while others, too exhausted to continue, pulled over on the side of the road to cool off.
As I looked in my rearview mirror at the fumes, all that remained of the glorious battle, I just couldn’t understand why the cars had to come to this petty war. Maybe it’s the media’s fault for publicizing the election too much. Maybe it’s the bumper sticker industries’ fault for capitalizing on mankind’s need to be obnoxious. Or maybe it’s the candidates’ faults. Who knows?
But I did learn something special that day. At the end of that drive, there was no clear victor. No concessions were made, no minds were changed and no election results were decided. The cars failed where they thought they would succeed, because their signs can only inspire a driver to chuckle or generate some old-fashioned road rage. I mean, look at what happened to that little green Gremlin.
And that was just one battle. The war is still being fought across all the oil-stained asphalt in this great nation. Many a good car will vainly try to persuade others to join in the fight. But in the end, the voters are going to decide whom to vote for like they always do-by watching misinformed 30-second television ads and skimming the headlines they see while waiting in the super market check-out line.