Q: I have been seeing someone special for the past two weeks, and things are going smoothly. I like this girl, and I think she likes me, too, but I have no idea how to bring up the sex conversation around her. Any advice on how I can let her know what’s on my mind? I actually want a relationship with this one, so I can use all the help I can get.
A: Slow down, Turbo. You are preparing to take a big step, and from the wording of your question, it sounds like you’re making some assumptions about your female companion. You need to confirm that these assumptions are correct before you go any further, because any rash action you take in this direction could ruin any potential relationship with the girl. Here in Mississippi, I should be safe using this analogy: Get those ducks in a row before you cock your gun.
You think she likes you? I’m not hearing an excessive amount of confidence here. Yet you’ve been seeing her for two weeks. Has there been any hand-holding, long phone conversations, deep kissing or gossipy friends telling you she’s digging your scene? My guess is if she’s been putting up with your horny self for two weeks, she likes you. Any expression of affection from her should confirm that. Just look for it if she hasn’t made it obvious yet. But you need to make sure this interest is on both sides. Just keep dropping hints and she should respond eventually.
You can’t necessarily equate a relationship with sex. If it’s only been two weeks and you’re already seeking sex, I have to wonder how truly interested you are in having a relationship with her. Put some ice on it, man. Rocking the proverbial boat-or other objects-too early could ruin the potential for this relationship. If your goal is a relationship, sex should sit on the back burner. If you want a good relationship, you need to establish good chemistry with her in other areas besides the bed. And no, the shower doesn’t qualify. There are so many aspects to a relationship, and sex shouldn’t be the first on which to focus. For now, get the hormones under control.
Before bringing up the topic of sex, you need to decide whether you’re in pursuit of sex or a relationship. If you want both, put the relationship first, suppress the libido and the pieces will fall where they may. Whichever you decide, let her know what you’re thinking. Chances are, she could probably guess what’s on your mind. We men have somehow gained a reputation for constantly thinking about sex. I’m still waiting on the study results before I believe that.
It looks like you need advice for starting a relationship rather than initiating sexual activity. If you’re used to getting a girl in the sack within a week, you’ve got some adjusting to do. Maintaining a relationship is work, and your job is to put her and her needs first. If her needs include sex, then you’re in luck. But don’t despair. If you’re willing to work at the relationship, it will pay off. There are plenty of benefits to relationships beside sex. Showing her that you’re interested in more than just sex will get you far.
Now, it’s possible that she’s on the same page with you. Since she hasn’t broached the subject, she’s either a good girl or she doesn’t want to come off as easy. She could be waiting for you to make a move or holding on to some fantasy that she’s found a guy not solely interested in sex. The ball is in your court.
Barry Kirsch is a senior majoring in chemical engineering. Please send all relationship questions to [email protected].