This is a wrap up on my column. Here are some questions I received over the past year that I couldn’t get around to answering. Nevertheless, these should also be entertained:
Q: My girlfriend likes to slap me when we argue.
A: She hits you once, shame on her. She hits you twice, shame on you.
Q: How do I tell a guy that he
wasn’t that great in bed?
A: Go watch “Big Fish”. Oh, and take a notepad.
Q: My girlfriend only fights with me when she’s drunk.
A: Take a few shots of Crown and kill each other with dead-end arguments.
Q: How do I tell a girl I don’t want to have sex with her without hurting her?
A: Don’t press your luck; she’s
probably the only one who’ll ever want to.
Q: Is it true that guys who have big hands have big you-know-whats?
A: Nature wouldn’t make it that easy for us.
Q: When’s a good time to say, “I love you?”
A: Only mid-booty.
Q: I don’t understand women.
A: Believe me-guys are worse.
Q: How do we spice things up in the bedroom?
A: You couldn’t have done everything yet.
Q: My boyfriend is leaving after he graduates, and I’m staying here.
A: So what? If you love each other enough, you’ll make it work.
Q: Why won’t my boyfriend ever take me out anymore?
A: He’s sick of you asking him to take you out.
Q: When we’re together everything’s great, but when she’s out at night she ignores me.
A: Stop following her every move and she’ll wonder why.
Q: My girlfriend and I have a great sexual relationship, but we can’t hold a conversation.
A: Have fun while it lasts, buddy.
Q: When’s a good time to get checked for STDs?
A: Hurry before they close. Today. Seriously.
Q: Why do I like hanging out with gay guys instead of my girlfriends recently?
A: Aren’t they cool? They know more about clothes than we do!
Q: Why can’t my girlfriend understand that I have other friends who are girls?
A: Because she doesn’t want you substituting another femme for her abyss.
Q: Sometimes I fantasize about other women when I’m alone with my boyfriend. What do I do?
A: Tell him, not me!
Q: My girlfriend decided she doesn’t want to have sex again until we’re married.
A: That’s odd. I hope she’s a re-born virgin for your sake.
Q: How do I know he’s the one for me?
A: He makes you laugh-even if you hate his guts sometimes.
Q: What’s your biggest fantasy?
A: It wouldn’t get past my editor. But in one word-firemen.
Crystal Christensen is graduating and will no longer be able to answer your relationship queries. She’s off to spread her message of love to others. So until we find a new relationship columnist, send your questions to [email protected].