I can’t believe it’s finally over. After four years (more like six) wasted and thousands of dollars spent, I will graduate from college. I know my parents won’t believe it until they see my diploma, but it really is over. And now I’m faced with a disheartening thought: I’m going to miss this place. This day will end my last full week of classes for the rest of my life. I will never have a last week of classes ever again. Unless of course, I go to law school (dear God, no). So this is it. I’m done. And I know this is supposed to be an article with some sort of opinion, but it’s my last article so I’m going to have to take some liberties.
First, I want to share a couple of valuable things I’ve learned in my many years on this campus. The first thing I want people to know is that the best bathroom on campus is located on the fifth floor of Mitchell Memorial Library next to the reading room. It’s a one seater, and it’s both comfortable and spacious. The thing is bigger than my bathroom at home. And there’s not much traffic through there, so you will have plenty of privacy. It’s the choicest bathroom on campus, and I recommend that everyone try it before they graduate.
The next thing I’ve learned is that the stylish lamppost that is on the sidewalk between Carpenter Hall and the front doors of the library will shock the crap out of you if you touch it while not wearing shoes. I don’t know why it does this. But I’m so conditioned to it that I’m scared to look at the thing now. I also suggest everyone go get shocked by the stylish lamppost before they leave school, as well.
The third thing- wait- what am I doing? This is my last Reflector article ever. I can’t be wasting valuable article space discussing meaningless crud. This is my last chance to assert my ego. This is my last hurrah. This is my last opportunity to be censored. Speaking of which, I would like to give thanks to my editor, Angela Pitalo. Thank you for not censoring Teabag, nor any of the innuendoes. Also, in one of my columns, I integrated a cussword crossword into the piece. You will find a multitude of four-letter words going up, down and across. A special thank you for not editing that out. Angela, you’re the best.
I’m going to miss afternoons like this one. Afternoons when I must decide between the pool or the lake. Moments when I must determine whether to nap or watch television. Mornings when I must weigh sleep versus attendance policy. These are the beautiful choices of collegiate life. These choices are what I am going to miss the most. I am now heading into the “real world” where they expect two things: performance and results. How am I going to survive?
In the “real world,” there will be interviews, deadlines, job performance ratings, bosses, drug tests, taxes, bills, ties, expectations, limitations, business politics, scandals, backstabbing, medical insurance premiums and company down-sizing. What am I doing? I can’t leave. I like it here. I like the noxious laziness that plagues my diligence. I like suntanned girls in flip-flops and spaghetti straps. I like staying up late because the professor canceled class. I like staying up late because I canceled class. Basically, I like college. More importantly, I like this college.
Remember, dear reader, cherish these days. I’ve cherished too many days. My parents said no more cherishing. They said, “Robert, you’re 31 years old. It’s high time you graduate.” And I said, “No, graduation is at 1:15, not 4:20.” And they were all, “What?” And I was all, “Whatever…” And that is how most conversations go with my folks. But I must admit, they have been very patient with me and I must thank them. Thanks guys. I’m finally done, and I’ll be paying you back as soon as I find a job.
I suppose that about wraps up my peculiar career here at Mississippi State. I’m not going to get all sentimental because honestly I can’t wait to leave. I can’t wait to see the benefits of a college education pour in. I feel smarter already, and I haven’t even gotten my diploma yet. And a little note to all of you fifth semester sophomores-keep your head up. I was once like you, and if these crazies will give me a degree, they’ll give anybody one.