I am clearly the most qualified person to be Mr. MSU. I will list my qualifications.
My father gives me money.
This one point should tell you that I’m better than everyone. Whenever I want something, I get it: big television set, sound system, a sick Pok‹¨mon collection, etc. However, at the same time, I’m not one of those guys who rely on hereditary wealth without working. This one time I helped move some chairs for an event at church. They were folding chairs, and I could carry two if I tried.
More people know who I am.
Again, this blatantly represents my unending and inarguable position as the coolest male in the history of creation or evolution (both of those words are really big). Let me logically explain this to those who can’t grasp the complexity of this notion. By and large in modern America, more people know Jessica Simpson by name than Joan of Arc. Therefore, Jessica must be better. Plus, I’ve never heard Joan sing, but maybe she’ll release a record soon.
I can break the campaign rules before anyone else.
It’s against the rules to campaign with mass media outlets. Well, since I’m a sneaky and really smart candidate, I can use Facebook or other Web sites to spread the word that I’m the coolest. Also, one of my friends could do it for me, and I will ignore it unless questions arise. I rule.
I have blue eyes.
Now I’m not promoting elitism or fascism when I say this, but my ocean eyes sparkle like a princess’. I mean, a prince’s. Sorry, I just forgot that I’m a man.
My friends care about this contest.
You need votes to win, and my acquaintances love to vote in meaningless endeavors that won’t amount to anything when they’re all dead. Of course, I am immortal, so everyone in the future will know me as Mr. MSU. People will start crying if I don’t talk to them because I’m a great conversationalist.
I can say my ABCs backward.
I know you’re thinking, “Holy walrus tusks! Can he really do that under pressure?” Yes, I can: C, B and A. I said my ABCs backward. I’m going to eat some club crackers.
Unless you’re not cool, you should be able to understand that I’m the real Mr. MSU no matter what happens. So just vote for me. God probably will.
Editor’s Note: Jed Pressgrove is not an actual candidate for Mr. MSU.