I recently returned from a cross-country trip to visit my mother and other family scattered across the Golden Coast for Christmas.
It was not the beautiful snowcapped mountains or other picturesque scenery that made my trip. Nor was it the cityscapes or skylines of metropolises such as Los Angeles or San Francisco. What made my trip to the West coast so enjoyable this holiday was going through security at two extremely busy airports. Let me tell you, I get few thrills in life like the one I get when approaching airport security. It’s just so damn exciting.
Really, the whole experience is a treat. To be working with (or maybe worked on by) real professionals on such a critical security routine is really fulfilling. The fact that it helps keep our country safe from Osama and those cave-dwelling terrorists is really just a bonus.
Not too many years ago, airport security was a bore. You would show your ticket and photo I.D. to first the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) agent, put your carry-on bag onto a conveyor belt and walk through the metal detector. Maybe you’d get the chance to get waved down by a metal-detecting wand, but if not, you are finished with the process and can move to your gate — pretty weak stuff.
These days, the TSA has really stepped up its game. It has now made going through airport security look like some sick physical challenge (which you always take) from Family Double Dare.
First, take that Vitamin Water you just bought for $3 in the main concourse and throw it away. No liquids are allowed, unless you can fit it in a small, plastic sandwich bag. This rule is obviously hard to remember because over half the people in line are scrambling, trying to make their makeup, nine mini-bottles of liquor and the baby’s formula all fit in this tiny bag.
Next, thanks to an isolated incident with a shoe bomb, everyone gets to remove their shoes. Yes, even if you wore your combat boots, unlace those bad boys and throw them up on the belt.
Since you have already unpacked and repacked your liquids, you might as well unpack some more and put that laptop in a bin by itself to send through  the scanner as well.
Now, you stand in front of the latest installment of major airports everywhere: the full-body scanner. More than a metal detector, this security juggernaut does an X-ray scan of your entire body, revealing everything under your clothes. That’s right. Everything.
There has been much opposition to these new machines, the likes of which I simply do not understand. Insecurities about being seen nude be damned; we are at a war with terror here, people, and terror has no face. So I say to you the only rational solution I see here is to look past faces and under clothes. My friends, the enemy can come from within.
If you can simply not bear the thought of being seen nude, the gracious TSA will allow you to opt for a pat-down that involves some minor groping in all the right areas. Don’t worry; everyone at TSA is a trained professional, with no vested interest in your body, however hot it might be.
The TSA was recently forced to discipline an airline pilot based out of Sacramento for posting a video on YouTube that showed what he thinks are serious flaws in airport security. The video showed the ground crews’ entrance into the airport, which included no security checkpoints and merely a keycard to access the door.
In his own words, “As you can see, airport security is kind of a farce. It’s only smoke and mirrors so you people believe there is actually something going on here.”
Three days later, four federal air marshalls and two sheriff’s deputies arrived at the ex-Army Reserve pilot’s home to confiscate his federally issued firearm.
That is what he gets. Am I right? What kind of American does he think he is, posting incriminating evidence on the World Wide Web that the TSA might not really be that effective where any terrorist with wireless capability could see it?
That is pretty close to treason, my good sir, and I don’t like it.
Next time you think about exposing some holes in national security, keep it to yourself. You’ll only scare people.
Micah Green is a junior majoring in communication. He can be contacted at
[email protected].