The highly publicized string bikini has a simple design. It has, according to Abercrombie’s website, a striped patterned “classic triangle top” with “pretty, detailed straps” that tie behind the neck.
The good people at Abercrombie also wanted to make it clear the top is padded in all the right places. You know, for the girl who needs a little extra help. Oh, and one more thing — it’s being marketed at seven-year-olds.
Here is what one angry mother (I entirely made up) would probably say: “I am appalled with Abercrombie,” she would begin. “Young girls should not be wearing this type of sexual clothing; it completely sends the wrong message.”
She would likely add, “Abercrombie should take these off the shelf immediately, before I have to explain to my child what ‘push-up’ means.”
I completely understand your sentiments, Mrs. Everymom, and it seems there is only one logical thing to do in this situation: shout it from the rooftops. You must tell the world how disgusted you are, and do it on TV, do it in the newspapers, do it on the radio, do it from your minivan, do it with your book club; it doesn’t matter how you do it, just so long as you curse Abercrombie to the ground for attempting to soil your child’s innocence.
There is no way they would see that coming. They probably failed to realize parents today are more involved with and protective over their children than ever in history (or my history, anyway). Abercrombie has seriously underestimated you, Mrs. Everymom. They probably expected for you soccer moms to be too busy running errands to notice an itsy bitsy, provocative bikini on the shelf of your young daughters’ favorite clothing store. Not on these moms’ watches. No way.
Remember that time in the late ’90s when the quarterly Abercrombie catalog was discontinued due to it pretty much being soft-core pornography? They got huge press for it, and in the following years it became the mega giant we know today. Yeah, well, not this time. This is America, damn it, and we will protect its morality.
Every household in this great land will be talking about this company, saying nasty things like, “Dern you, Abercrombie,” and “Go to heck, Abercrombie,” and “Abercrombie voted Yes on Prop 8!” Abercrombie’s name will be everywhere. They’ll hate that, I’m sure.
It will be a great learning opportunity for your daughter, as well. She will see her parents do not approve of this type of bathing suit (even though mommy has a whole drawer full of them) and, being the perfect, non-spiteful young lady she is, will do what five children in the history of the universe have done. She will unquestionably agree with the decision to not buy the suit. She will be thrilled to show up at that next birthday party with a Dora the Explorer one piece, while all the other female munchkins get their tan on in their new, striped bikinis. Kids love being different.
And since young children aren’t the least bit curious about anything, you probably won’t even have to worry with trying to explain what “push-up” means, which is what this is all about in the end, right? Parents do not want to be forced to discuss sexuality with their kids when they have done so much to keep them from it. For instance, who’s idea do you think it was to round off the privates on all Barbies and G.I. Joes? Parents, of course, and they don’t need anybody putting any extra questions in kids’ heads.
God forbid, but can you imagine trying to have that awkward chat? Who actually learns anything related to sexuality from their parents, anyway? Everyone knows elementary peers are always the best bet.
So it is easy to see why this little piece of clothing is causing such an enormous backlash. The people at Abercrombie must be shaking in their ripped, acid-washed jeans. Do they not understand parents hold the wallets? That without mommy’s consent, it might be a little difficult to scrounge up the nearly $20 it costs to buy the skimpy suit?
Don’t they realize that just like McDonald’s and those innocent Happy Meal toys, they are going to get the crap sued out of them? You must realize that customers no longer wish to think for themselves, but instead want you to sell only “appropriate” items. It is much easier to deny a child something when that something doesn’t exist.
I feel a little sorry for Abercrombie, and not just because of how terrible their clothes are. And not just because of the 13 people were airlifted to local hospitals last year due to over inhalation of the popular fragrance “Fierce.” I feel really sorry for Abercrombie because I know how scared, as a company, they must be right now.
All the big wigs huddled in their conference room high above some city, probably nearly in tears at the accusations thrown at them. There is no telling what they are going to do with all this horrible publicity. I have a guess though — sell a lot of swimsuits.
Micah Green is a junior majoring in communication. He can be contacted at
[email protected].
