Okay, so here’s the situation: you’re walking to class, when suddenly you have this “Oh ___ [insert your favorite four-letter expletive]” moment. You glance at the time on your cell phone and realize that you’re late for a chem lab you must attend. You think all is lost. You’re going to miss that chem quiz, but suddenly you espy one of our fine campus bicycles. Yes, those beautifully retro red/maroon riders with handlebars uncomfortably spaced similarly to a hotrod you might see on “American Chopper.” So what do you do? I mean, you don’t want to look like a fool, but at the same time you need to get to class. Well, I’ve got you covered. I’ve compiled a shortlist to help you not look like a clown while on a new MSU bike.
First off, you’re just riding around campus; you’re not in the Tour De France. Just the other day I saw a guy bent over the handles, all postured down, riding the bike at full speed through the Drill Field as if he were Lance Armstrong. I had the strong urge to pour the bottle of water I was carrying over his head and cheer him on, but sadly, I resisted.
Take it slow. These bikes are one-dimensional – they only have one gear (just like former MSU football offensive coordinator Woody McCorvey’s offense). They aren’t meant for streamlined uphill climbs or BMXing.
Also, try to avoid the already-defective bikes. I saw this poor girl trying to ride a bike that had a bent wheel frame. The result was an awkwardly slow ride (I was walking just as fast) and an obnoxious squeal of metal scrapping against metal every time the wheel made a rotation. It’s like getting a buggy at Wal-Mart with a defective wheel – you’re better off just getting another buggy.
A key fact to remember is, like it or not, you’re paying for these bikes in one way or another. So as you’re pumping your thighs and burning those calories, ride armed with the knowledge that your tax dollars are hard at work. Oh, and while you’re pedaling about campus on the new rides, try not to look like a clown. I’ve seen people (mainly guys) riding the bikes slouched back as if they were driving their cars. In my opinion, the only way you could pull off the low-rider look is if War’s “Low Rider” was actually playing in the background.
To wrap things up, I’d like to touch on a fun fact of which some of you might not be aware. The community bike idea was tried at Southern Miss, and it failed miserably. A good friend of mine and a Southern Miss student, Mark Kneipp, told me: “Who would have thought … but within two weeks, the majority of the bikes [Eagle Riders] were either stolen or missing. We all had a good laugh.”
However, two weeks later, here it seems as though the majority of the bikes are still in action. Does this mean Mississippi State students are more trustworthy? I’d say yes, and I totally attribute our honesty to the Honor Code itself. The USM students have no clear moral compass by which to guide them and tell them, “No, it would be wrong to steal this bike.” But I digress.
Matt Morgan is a sophomore majoring in sociology. He can be contacted at [email protected].