Spring football is always a teaser of sorts, but especially this year. The hiring of Dan Mullen has brought an air of electricity that MSU football fans have not felt since the hay day of Jackie Sherrill. I for one am as excited as anyone to get a taste of tailgating and football, but as always, when you pack 56,000 people into a confined area, there will always be certain people there who annoy the school spirit out of you. This small fraction of fans isn’t enough for me to opt for the big screen on gameday, but they are annoying enough to write an article about.
This first type of annoying fan can be seen clucking around in her clique of moderately attractive alpha hens. She goes by any number of names but can be referred to simply as Miss Thang.
She is not difficult to spot because she’s dressed as if it is spring formal not spring football. Did I mention that Miss Thang has more Facebook friends than you and all of your friends combined? And this puppy-like, neurotic need for socialization is where she gets annoying because, invariably, she will feel the need to talk to people sitting on either side of you, making for a lot of “Sorry, ya’lls” and “Excuse me, you guys” as she edges past your seat several times during the game.
The next fan who makes you wish you’d watched the game at Cowbells is a rare sight in and of himself. This guy’s collarbone-length beard reeks of rye whiskey and chewing tobacco, and the steady string of expletives he hurls at the refs is enough to make most Southern Baptists squirm on their bleacher buttpads.
This guy probably lives in a wooden lean-to deep in the boonies of the Refuge and only emerges for booze, Bulldog football and more booze. He can often be seen fetching a flask from his flannel shirt and is, unfortunately, often the person whom ESPN zooms in on, displaying a less than stellar image of our university. But as the game progresses, his antics become more unstable, and it is probably a wise move to discreetly confiscate his cowbell, as he has started to swing it more and more like a club and less and less like an unsanctioned noisemaker.
Speaking of cowbells, next on the list we have Mr. Cowbell Aficionado himself. The rich tradition of the cowbell is one of the most cherished trademarks of MSU football, and the fact cowbells are technically illegal makes them even more fun. However, there is always that one overzealous fan, usually a guy, who takes his cowbell a bit too seriously. He might be seen holding an oversized cowbell – or even a double-handled, Star Wars-esque ringer – but this guy is not just a happy-go-lucky ringer. No, he has created a list of arbitrary rules for clanking the cowbell that he expects everyone to follow to a T.
For instance, if Maroon and White is on offense and our quarterback is about to snap the ball, Mr. Cowbell will hold his cowbell above his head like an idol and turn around to make sure that no one is ringing theirs. Heaven forbid that he catches you making even one ping while our poor center is trying to hear the snap count because if you do, Mr. Cowbell will give you the meanest Judas glare you’ve ever seen.
The last annoying fan is actually a group of guys. Here’s the setup: 56,000 bulldog fans reverently covering their hearts and pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes, when suddenly, as the pledge is about to end and the entire stadium is silent, we hear, “Go to hell, Ole Miss!” coming from the upper level of the student section. Now, I have mixed feelings about this one because I am all for proselytizing Ole Miss, but come on guys, isn’t it a little out of place and irreverent?
Aw, who am I kidding? Let ’em have it. Ole Miss, you know where to go…
Honorable mentions: The girl who accidentally keeps hitting the back of your head with her pom poms the entire game. Also, the guy who should be out on the field because he would have caught that pass – even his 75-year-old grandmother who has rheumatoid arthritis would have caught that pass.
Matt Morgan is a sophomore majoring in English. He can be contacted at [email protected].