I generally try to steer clear of inspirational or motivational “literature,” but I have Facebook’s notes feature to thank for delivering some excerpts from a book which exposed a particularly troubling phenomenon that I feel it absolutely necessary to address. Plus, every once in a while I have to entertain my feminist side.Many girls have been gushing about John and Stasi Eldredge’s book, “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul,” companion piece to the bestselling “Wild at Heart.” I had of course heard of “Wild at Heart” but had never taken the time to wonder who was or should be “Wild at Heart.” I just knew that girls everywhere were rushing to the nearest bookstore to buy copies for their boyfriends.
“Captivating,” with its more explanatory title, caught my attention. Plus, I thought I would probably benefit from unveiling the mysteries of my soul.
I’m not quite sure how to analogize this book. Much in the same way millions of girls sighed longingly while reading (or watching) the horribly saccharine and utterly unrealistic literary travesty “The Notebook,” girls are here expected to sigh longingly for a romance with a macho man who will whisk them away on a white steed. The Eldredges compare this to the romantic throwdown God expresses for his female children.
Putting aside the fact that a romantic relationship with God sounds at worst like blasphemy and at best just plain creepy, I found the message of the book utterly disturbing and so appalling that I fear for every young girl who reads it, because the Eldredges’ persuasion is so subtly condescending that their readers may not be able to detect the garbage they are being forcefed. I suspect, by the way, that this is truly John’s book, and he only tacked Stasi’s name on there to show that he took a female perspective into consideration, which I doubt he did. And if he did, what a pitiful leech of a woman Stasi must be.
The book is written around three premises – “that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty.” I admit that most every girl desires to be romanced and experience adventure, but to say that these are the only three things women long for is so far from the truth. What about playing a role in something that actually matters? What happened to making a difference? Do so many women truly feel that once they are romanced and transformed into the kind of beauty only love can turn them into, that their lives will be fulfilled? What happened to having a killer career and taking the world by storm? What century is this anyway?
The idea that women live only to be loved is an idea that the Eldredges express throughout the entire book. “A little girl longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for. So the Beast must win Beauty’s heart in ‘Beauty and the Beast.'”Every little girl, in a sense, longs for romance. We were raised on Disney movies that told us that a man will slay dragons for a woman to whom he has never even spoken. But what the Eldredges don’t say is that those little girls grow up and realize that love is not trademarked by Disney, and that nothing is as pure, spontaneous and easy as the movies make it out to be.
The Eldredges portray a love in which the man pursues the woman in every way to convince her that she is wanted and loved and, I wince to say, worth it. Yes, the authors clearly state that a girl should not feel she is enough without a man. At one point they write, “A woman must know she is beautiful. She must know she is worth fighting for.” And another, “Many women feel that she is not enough. We can’t put words to it, but down deep we fear that there is something terribly wrong with us. If we were the princess, then our prince would have come.”
I can put words to it. That feeling is inadequacy and low self-esteem, and this book only serves to perpetrate that feeling in girls. Every poor girl who buys into this will feel that her poor self-image is the result of her being single, and rather than seeking to make herself happy, she will seek a guy to make her happy.
Also, the idea of a relationship the Eldredges portray is between an impossibly manly man and an impossibly feminine woman. A relationship does not work when the man is expected to always be chasing the girl. Love that works is companionate, when two people fight for each other and try to win each other and by doing so build something together. Love is not a one-sided process. It is constant and reciprocated, without the man slaying dragons while the woman sleeps away in the tower. Hero worship is not love.
“To experience the strength of a man is to have him speak on our behalf. For when men abuse with words, we are pierced. Their strength has wounded us. When they are silent, we are starved. They have offered no strength; they have abandoned us.”
Oh kind sir, please speak for me. I am only a lowly, vapid female, and I do not know how to voice my own opinions. But that is OK, because I have no opinions. Speak for me so that I will not starve! And don’t leave me, because I will surely die. I am only a fragment of a person on my own! Yes, according to the Eldredges, “That is a woman’s worst fear – abandonment.” Once more I ask, what century is this?
It just keeps getting worse. “Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable.” I would argue that it is a woman’s adolescent life that is fueled by her longing to be beautiful, and by adulthood most intelligent women have realized that their beauty is not what they want noticed most and certainly not what they want to be respected for.
What self-respecting girl would rather be praised for her beauty than her intellect, or her power, or her achievements? And for that matter, to say that girls wish to be “delighted in” is extremely condescending. You do not “delight in” strong, powerful women. You delight in dainty things like puppies and flowers.
I could go on with examples, but every other passage seeks to instill these same ideas into girls. It is frightening to me that so many girls read books like these and feel that they are being spoken to in their very heart of hearts. The Eldredges are not promoting positive traits and actions like growth, independence and self-worth. They are instead telling all girls that they are lacking, that they inherently need a guy to complete them and that they are not beautiful without love.
Guys, here is some Valentine’s Day advice for you. If a girl has this listed among her favorite books, or tries to slip you a copy of “Wild at Heart,” don’t waste your time. She is clearly lacking in self-esteem and self-worth, and she’s looking for you to be her white knight, to sweep her off her feet and turn her into the beauty she has always wanted to be. You shouldn’t want a girl who isn’t already that on her own.
According to the Eldredges, “A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she’s loved.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. A woman becomes beautiful when she loves herself.